The World is a Terrifying, Scary Place, and That's Not What I'm Going to Write About Today

We now add war to the list of things we're dealing with in the world. The list that already included global pandemic, climate change, etc. So that's fun.

I do keep thinking...it's an awful thing and the pictures coming out of the Ukraine are heart wrenching. But we do seem to share and care more when this happens to white people in Europe than we do when it happens to black or brown people in other parts of the world.

Nonetheless, it's awful and a rough week and I can't think of anything I can add to that that would help me mentally or add to the conversation. One of the things I've been working on...basically for two years now is limiting my news intake coming it. I need to be aware, being aware is a good thing, but I need to not oversaturate, particularly when it comes to things over which I have no control. So I've been pretty quiet on the Ukraine issue, which I'm sure irritates some people. We live in a world of performance activism where it seems like if you don't comment on something it means you don't care or aren't thinking about it and if you do comment it must mean you are a good person, and that's toxic on a whole other level. So I've been pretty quiet on my social media except for bookstagram.

There have been super hateful anti trans and anti LGBTQ children and families laws coming down in Texas and Florida as well and that's rough. I recently had a kid close to me in my life come out as nonbinary...it's not a secret, they are out, but out of respect I won't say anything else in this space except to say that I already felt concern and worry for kids navigating this world and now it's just that much closer to home and that's hard. 

But yeah. I'm not going to talk about any of that. I feel like when I started this blog it had a few purposes. One was to kind of record this weird time in which we were living for posterity (optimistically hoping we will have a posterity despite...not being sure of that at times.) And the other was to kind of let it be an outlet for myself, to send these unedited writings about my day to day out into the world because although I've never in my life been great at keeping a journal it does help to get those things out of my head. I shared that I was doing this, a little bit, but I've never had nor did I expect a lot of readers. I received one favorable comment early on that I should keep writing this and turn it into a book or memoir of this time. That feedback came from my friend who passed away in January and I still hold her comments close to my heart. So my most avid reader has now passed away.

(As an aside, I still have the last package she sent me unopened and the sympathy card to her mom unwritten because when I do those things she will really be gone and I'm just not ready for her to really be gone.) 

I had occasion to look back at this blog this week because I was in need of a writing sample. It sounds like I'm going to get a volunteer gig as a writer, which I'm really excited about. A memory care facility has a grant to publish short books (20ish pages) about their resident's lives so their memories can be preserved. They are in search of volunteers who can spend time talking to and interviewing the residents, collecting their stories, and doing the writing. I'm excited about it. Yesterday marked two years since the last time we had a volunteer shift at the hospital and there's been a big void in my life. I love the idea of getting to use my writing to create work that is meaningful and will make a difference in people's lives.

Looking back on the blog was a trippy experience. I think when I started it the writing was better.  I don't know what I was doing differently back then. I seemed to have more coherent ideas about what I wanted to say. These days it's mostly brain dumps, usually late at night. When I write at all. Making time to write, even as a volunteer, will be good for me.

It was a sad anniversary to think about not being at the hospital for two years. It used to be such a big part of our lives and I think for the longest time I thought I was going back. It doesn't seem so likely anymore. I even applied for a job with the program for which I used to volunteer and wasn't given an interview. I get it...it would have been a pretty dramatic shift away from the career I had before and would have required me to get additional training so maybe they had applicants that already had that. But it stung. I think I need to remember how important and impactful that part of my life was, for me and for the kids, especially James, but we all move on. New seasons are ahead. I'm not sure what they look like and looking for work has been brutal...the gap on my resume and my age make getting in the door so hard and it's an ego blow. But I love the idea of a new volunteer opportunity and moving forward doing something different. I wish I could make that pivot career wise but this feels like a solid first step so I hope I can move forward.

Last week was midwinter break so James was off school. I was kind of dreading it...it just felt like it would be long days. And it was wicked cold so it was hard to be outside. But we took it one day at a time and we had fun. Dog parks, movies, sushi. Sometimes, it's little things and not big ones. Maybe that's a lesson we've learned from this time.

Saturday my dad took us to a playoff basketball game for my stepbrother's youngest kid. It was played at a high school near our house. My dad has been watching my stepbrothers' kids play basketball for years...he and my stepmom used to take annual trips to Spokane in the heat of summer to watch tournaments, the whole bit. And this is the youngest kid of that group and his last high school game before the state tournament which will be in Yakima. So it's kind of the end of an era. I mean, he's going to go play college ball and that's awesome, but it will never again be like it was, watching them. James and I went with him. James was whiny...he's not used to sitting through things, he hated the buzzer, and they were 20 points up the whole time so it wasn't super exciting...but honestly I think at the end of the day he enjoyed himself. I have a pic of him with the basketball player, who is 6'7". James basically comes up to his bellybutton. I think I will print the picture and frame it for my dad for his birthday. He'll like that. I'm hoping he'll let me come down to his house this week and help him stream the state tournament games.

So that's the news from here. Small compared to the life on the world stage, but we all make an impact in our own small ways. This is a lesson I've been trying to teach James lately. I hope he sees it in my life.

Media consumption...huh. I got season 4 of Parks and Recreation from the library since I've been having a battle with streaming services not having what I want and not wanting to pay for more. The kids and I watched Snow White and Winnie the Pooh, so classic Disney movies seem to be winning the day. I've still been listening to a lot of old episodes of the West Wing Weekly, somehow no other podcast seems to be scratching that itch. And I've been reading a lot. Today I finished a book called The Mother Daughter Book Club, which is about four twelve year old girls whose mothers start a book club for them and read Little Women. It was cute. One of those kind of Capra type stories where the happy ending is just a little too happy to be real but that's honestly okay because it was a good journey getting there and you like these characters so you feel good for them.

Today I'm grateful for volunteer opportunities, snuggles with Max, back to school, blogging, chocolate, and sleep.