Day #337: Big Feelings

 I am sabotaging myself by not going in for an early bedtime. At least I'm aware of this?

Been a rocky week in these parts. The feelings are BIG. James is all of a sudden very emotional and now Max is trying to out clingy him and it's been exhausting.

It started with the worst writing assignment of all time I think. The first graders have been working on this nonfiction writing assignment for...well, it feels like approximately seven hundred years but it's been two weeks or more. This is one of those things that was broken down into endless steps. Reading about three animals was a step. Drawing a diagram of the chosen animal was a step.

When it came to the research portion, they had to read some ebooks about their animal and write six interesting facts to put into their papers. It was exactly six. I know because on the paper we recreated when the first one got ruined there weren't exactly six slots for facts and we got called out on this.

Then the actual writing happened. They had to write one chapter per day for four days. Each chapter was three sentences long.

Basic math here: that's twelve sentences. Six facts do not twelve sentences make.

Anyway, long story short, there was throwing of glasses and much anger and frustration and overwhelm and us running to the library to pick up an actual book on service dogs because ebooks while nice and helpful and appreciated are also distracting and that was not helping. And it would have been hard anyway because writing assignments always are but this one was SO poorly designed so UGH.

So that was a part of the big feelings although I don't think it was the trigger or all of what's going on. I think something is bubbling under the surface of James and I just wish I could help my guy.

After the horrid final day of nonfiction writing assignment we went to the park and had to stay off the playground because too many people and not enough masks. But there is a baseball field at this particular park so we played baseball without a ball for awhile, which is always super fun. And then a kid had a ball and a couple of kids started kicking a ball around and it was something that was so simple but he NEVER gets to do anything like that anymore and it was fun to just watch. To just watch kids playing in the park like kids.

Through all of this the back to school conversation is swirling. I am trying to stay out of it. At this point, the big thing I want is for people to not talk about it in front of James because whatever happens I don't want to increase his anxiety around school at all. We have said for awhile that whatever the school district decides to do we will go with it.

I understand the feelings on both sides of the school debate and I don't want to minimize anyone's feelings. I do not think that either "side" is doing a great job at making the decision based on research and data rather than emotion but it is also hard to keep the emotion out of it. I will say there is no question in my mind that not being in school has hurt James in a myriad of ways, socially and emotionally as well as academically. His handwriting and spelling have gone downhill a lot. His social skills suffer. The consequence is real. That isn't anyone's fault, it is what it is, but there has been consequences of there not being in person school. I understand that the teachers want to be moved up in the vaccine line, but a lot of people want to be moved up in the vaccine line and with good reason. People with disabilities and chronic illnesses feel like they're being ignored and we haven't even gotten to essential workers. I know of a teacher who has been very vocal about wanting schools to stay closed. I completely understand that. She has had major health issues this year and is concerned for her health. I completely understand that as well. But her own kid has also been in daycare every day. She needs that to happen so she can work, and I completely understand that as well. But I do wonder if her worry about teachers' health and teachers getting vaccines extends to child care workers. It's not as easy as "let's just vaccinate teachers." There are hundreds of thousands of educational employees in the state and a vaccine shortage.

Speaking of vaccines, since it's been awhile since I've updated, my dad received his first dose about a week ago now. He went to a pop up clinic at the crack of dawn, it wasn't an easy thing, but it happened. They will run the same clinic four weeks later so that helps with getting the second dose. Trying to get him scheduled was a nightmare. He was frustrated. We were all frustrated. And all along he has said that he wishes they weren't prioritizing seniors, instead focusing on teachers and essential employees. But at the end of the day we have to trust our public health people. They are trying to keep the disease from spreading and they think the best way to do that is to vaccinate the people at highest risk for serious illness. Data is good.

Other than the big feelings, things are status quo here. Max is gigantic. He is a chatterbox, so many words, so many sentences. All of a sudden he is this giant big kid and I don't know where that came from. I guess soon I'll have to start worrying about his social emotional development as well. He could use some kind of structured activity. He rarely sees kids his own age and basically never gets to do anything outside the house that is age appropriate. I've been reading the Covid protocols at the toddler gymnastics place and considering it. Maybe now that grandpa has had a shot we can take a breath and think about doing something like that.

Media update...been watching Wings of all things. Such a silly show but a nice level of inaneness. Thinking about jumping on the Schitts Creek bandwagon when it finishes. Josh and I have finally been watching the final season of The Good Place. I've been reading a lot...some of the award winners from January. Tonight I finished When You Trap a Tiger and it was just an incredibly lovely book.

Today I'm grateful for takeout, snuggles, Pixar movies, books, Josh, cuddles, early bedtimes, the weekend, fresh air, and friends.