Day #99: Conversations With James
Whew. I would say it's been a hard week except I don't remember an easy one anymore.
The good news: Daddy, who has been going in to work every day this week, is home tomorrow and isn't really working at all. Mama, who last night slept with Max because that was the only way he was going to sleep at all, could use the help.
Today was a weird day. It started out pouring rain so we had to cancel a scheduled visit with Grandpa. And then it ended sunny and beautiful, so much that James complained about the sun on our walk after dinner. Like...really, dude?
Yesterday we swung by our neighborhood bookstore and picked up a book order which I'm hoping is the last one for awhile because the library is planning to let us pick up and drop off very soon. But I focused on Black authors for this order and one of the books was Little Legends: exceptional men in Black history for James.
He wasn't super interested. We have Little Leaders, which is the one she did on Black women, and he tried to give it away last week when asked to clean his bookshelves. But after reading the other book we picked up, about a baseball playing girl, he agreed to let me start reading Little Legends with him tonight.
It did spark conversation. I've been trying as best I can to be honest with him about what is going on without being graphic. As in, he knows people have been hurt and we are worried about everyone being safe when interacting with police, but he doesn't know that people have died and he has not seen the video. (I haven't even seen all of the video.) I don't want to lie to him, I want him to know what the protests are about, he's participated in candelight vigils with me, but he is also six.
He asked if people are still mean to people because they are Black, I said yes, he asked why, that was harder to explain but I tried to talk to him about bias and how we as white people need to fight against it even if we don't now that we have it. Then he asked what he could do and we talked about saying something if he sees something and not being a bystander. I told him what makes me most angry is the cops who just stood by and watched and didn't do anything. He didn't like that at all and just said "I don't think they are real. I think they are bad guys dressed like cops."
There's no manual for parenting through this. There's no guarantee the world he's inheriting will be any less fucked up than this, in fact it isn't getting better. I hate that. I hate that my stomach clenches when people talk about their futures because I just hope there IS a future for them. But I like having a kid who wants to talk, who wants to understand. Even when I don't have answers.
Today's media consumption: Thank God for bad TV. And Josh and I watched more Community tonight, including the COVID table read episode. That was fun. For me, I finished Hillbilly Elegy yesterday and my Emily of New Moon audiobook. I listened to the podcast episode of The Unconventional Woman I mentioned on the last blog post and I started reading From the Desk of Zoe Washington that was part of yesterday's book order. So far I like it.
Today I'm grateful for walks in both rain and sun, movie day with the boys, that Max is currently sleeping and I got to hang out with Josh, and for some time off hopefully in the next few days. Like...I might get to go to Target alone.
The good news: Daddy, who has been going in to work every day this week, is home tomorrow and isn't really working at all. Mama, who last night slept with Max because that was the only way he was going to sleep at all, could use the help.
Today was a weird day. It started out pouring rain so we had to cancel a scheduled visit with Grandpa. And then it ended sunny and beautiful, so much that James complained about the sun on our walk after dinner. Like...really, dude?
Yesterday we swung by our neighborhood bookstore and picked up a book order which I'm hoping is the last one for awhile because the library is planning to let us pick up and drop off very soon. But I focused on Black authors for this order and one of the books was Little Legends: exceptional men in Black history for James.
He wasn't super interested. We have Little Leaders, which is the one she did on Black women, and he tried to give it away last week when asked to clean his bookshelves. But after reading the other book we picked up, about a baseball playing girl, he agreed to let me start reading Little Legends with him tonight.
It did spark conversation. I've been trying as best I can to be honest with him about what is going on without being graphic. As in, he knows people have been hurt and we are worried about everyone being safe when interacting with police, but he doesn't know that people have died and he has not seen the video. (I haven't even seen all of the video.) I don't want to lie to him, I want him to know what the protests are about, he's participated in candelight vigils with me, but he is also six.
He asked if people are still mean to people because they are Black, I said yes, he asked why, that was harder to explain but I tried to talk to him about bias and how we as white people need to fight against it even if we don't now that we have it. Then he asked what he could do and we talked about saying something if he sees something and not being a bystander. I told him what makes me most angry is the cops who just stood by and watched and didn't do anything. He didn't like that at all and just said "I don't think they are real. I think they are bad guys dressed like cops."
There's no manual for parenting through this. There's no guarantee the world he's inheriting will be any less fucked up than this, in fact it isn't getting better. I hate that. I hate that my stomach clenches when people talk about their futures because I just hope there IS a future for them. But I like having a kid who wants to talk, who wants to understand. Even when I don't have answers.
Today's media consumption: Thank God for bad TV. And Josh and I watched more Community tonight, including the COVID table read episode. That was fun. For me, I finished Hillbilly Elegy yesterday and my Emily of New Moon audiobook. I listened to the podcast episode of The Unconventional Woman I mentioned on the last blog post and I started reading From the Desk of Zoe Washington that was part of yesterday's book order. So far I like it.
Today I'm grateful for walks in both rain and sun, movie day with the boys, that Max is currently sleeping and I got to hang out with Josh, and for some time off hopefully in the next few days. Like...I might get to go to Target alone.
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