Day #116: Making Grandpa Laugh aka Social Distancing Struggles are REAL
So, where did I leave you? It's been a few days. There's been a lot of night driving to get my smallest friend to sleep. It's 10:30 p.m. right now and he's screaming. This is my life.
We got haircuts! And it was lovely. I probably shouldn't even have worried about it. Our hairstylist, who is awesome, spent her closure making masks so she had a big table of them, one per customer while supplies last. James looked so cute in his and when she cut behind his ears he had to hold it over his face. He's a whole new little person now without hair in his eyes...he looks so big. It's a little thing, but it feels really good. I also picked up my new glasses...they are transitions lenses so they are an adjustment and I'm not sure I like that although I like them.
Yesterday we went on a...drippy if not rainy and fairly hilly hike with some old friends. Pretty busy trail..it's very hard for me to wear a mask while hiking. I'd say the mask ratio on other hikers was about a third...I think most people struggle with them while doing anything physical. We tried to do our normal social distancing etiquette while hiking...all we do is our best. It was a lovely hike...I really need to climb more hills and get in better shape as I can for sure tell that I haven't been doing the trek back and forth to school twice a day in quite awhile.
Today my dad came to see us. It had been awhile since he had been here...we were at his house about two weeks ago. I have been having stress dreams around him...apparently my subconscious is worried about him and doesn't want me to sleep because of it. And he didn't help by not answering any of my texts or phone calls this morning to confirm he was coming until around 11. I tried not to worry...I try not to worry when he doesn't answer his phone because he's a grown up person and doesn't have to be tied to it, but he's also 80 years old and lives by himself so I do worry when I don't hear from him. I had just started to sound the where's dad alarm with my sister, never a good idea, when he called.
So he came and we had a picnic in our front yard and chatted and let the kids play. Dad can't physically do a lot which is getting to him...he's been referred to an orthopedist to talk about the nerve damage in his feet to see what if anything can be done. He does have a cane and a walker but doesn't generally use either although he told me if he's going to be following more of his grandkids watching sporting events anytime soon he will at least bring the cane...he knows he can't fall.
The kids ADORE him. Partially because he brings ice cream and cookies but also because he is him. He taught James a new song...Open Your Heart and Let the Sunshine In which I didn't really remember but I'm fairly sure he taught me at the same age. He and James talked about baseball and Star Wars and he bounced Max around a little.
It's so hard, man. We try to keep our distance and I try to pull Max away and Grandpa knows he shouldn't come close. If my sister saw how close he let the kids get to him, she'd be furious. And if I put masks on them not only will they not keep them on but he wouldn't be able to hear them. So we...do our best. We stay outside. We don't hover. We try to keep the kids distracted and as far as possible. I know my husband was waiting for me to set limits and I just don't know how. Those kids mean the world to him and he hasn't cuddled either of them in months. He knows what the risks are. Somehow we've been social distancing for four months or something like that and it's only gotten harder. Regrets? Probably. I should do better. I'm trying to do better. I took James with me to get dog food after Grandpa left, mostly because I'm trying to take him on outings where he has to practice wearing the mask because he hasn't done it much and he's going to have to learn. And I spent the ENTIRE time trying to get him to stop touching EVERYTHING.
Do I worry? Of course I worry! This thing is far from over, people are still getting sick every single day. We still could lose Grandpa to this. He remains the one at highest risk and while he doesn't go too many places he occasionally sees his neighbors and goes to the grocery store. But we are imperfect. We are doing the best we can. I'm trying so hard to follow all the rules possible and keep my life moving forward. Everything is a balancing act and sometimes I just don't have the ability to stop Max from running full speed into Grandpa's legs and having Grandpa bounce him because Grandpa is funny. The reality is most of Max's life will be spent without Grandpa. I hope we have several years ahead of us to spend with Grandpa, but best case scenario is he will be someone Max remembers from his early years. The odds of Grandpa making it to Max's 12th or 13th birthday just aren't great. We all know that. His 5th or 6th? Maybe. His 2nd, in about six weeks? I hope so. But today is all we have and today I saw Grandpa laugh at Max playing for the first time in a VERY long time. I've lost an awful lot of people in my life and every single one of them I'm grateful for some of those times spent that I look back on now. Because that's really all you have are moments and memories. Max asks for Grandpa constantly now. Part of it is the cookies. But he also has had a shortage of family around to be that for him lately...not because they don't want to be. In an ordinary summer we would be getting ready to go see Daddy's side of the family in Michigan in a couple of weeks. It's not an ordinary summer and so we don't get to see those people. So Max adores Aunty Molly and Grandpa because he gets to see them and play with them and that ain't nothing.
So social distancing is hard and my subconscious hates me, but I'm trying to go with no regrets. We are all doing our very best. The world is a tough place right now with everyone a hair trigger and quick to criticize and so we breathe in and out and remind ourselves that we are all doing our very best. I'm hoping we will get to see Grandpa again in a week or two and in about a month my sister and her family will be here. Family really is so much. Even if it's complicated. And it's always complicated.
Media: I did finish that book and I moved onto With the Fire On High by Elizabeth Acevedo. I also finished rereading her first book The Poet X on audio while driving Max yesterday. Boy is she a treasure. The main character in With the Fire on High is a teen mother of a two-year-old and that book gives me alllll the mama feels. More Golden Girls...Hulu pulled a Golden Girls episode where they wear mud masks because the streaming services are pulling anything that smells like blackface now and the Internet lost its collective mind. But oh how I love the Golden Girls. Nothing soothes like it.
Today I'm grateful for my dad, music (mook-ee, Max would say) being outside, sunshine, neighbors, little free libraries, yummy food, deli food, reading to James, and one more glorious day being part of my family on this planet.
We got haircuts! And it was lovely. I probably shouldn't even have worried about it. Our hairstylist, who is awesome, spent her closure making masks so she had a big table of them, one per customer while supplies last. James looked so cute in his and when she cut behind his ears he had to hold it over his face. He's a whole new little person now without hair in his eyes...he looks so big. It's a little thing, but it feels really good. I also picked up my new glasses...they are transitions lenses so they are an adjustment and I'm not sure I like that although I like them.
Yesterday we went on a...drippy if not rainy and fairly hilly hike with some old friends. Pretty busy trail..it's very hard for me to wear a mask while hiking. I'd say the mask ratio on other hikers was about a third...I think most people struggle with them while doing anything physical. We tried to do our normal social distancing etiquette while hiking...all we do is our best. It was a lovely hike...I really need to climb more hills and get in better shape as I can for sure tell that I haven't been doing the trek back and forth to school twice a day in quite awhile.
Today my dad came to see us. It had been awhile since he had been here...we were at his house about two weeks ago. I have been having stress dreams around him...apparently my subconscious is worried about him and doesn't want me to sleep because of it. And he didn't help by not answering any of my texts or phone calls this morning to confirm he was coming until around 11. I tried not to worry...I try not to worry when he doesn't answer his phone because he's a grown up person and doesn't have to be tied to it, but he's also 80 years old and lives by himself so I do worry when I don't hear from him. I had just started to sound the where's dad alarm with my sister, never a good idea, when he called.
So he came and we had a picnic in our front yard and chatted and let the kids play. Dad can't physically do a lot which is getting to him...he's been referred to an orthopedist to talk about the nerve damage in his feet to see what if anything can be done. He does have a cane and a walker but doesn't generally use either although he told me if he's going to be following more of his grandkids watching sporting events anytime soon he will at least bring the cane...he knows he can't fall.
The kids ADORE him. Partially because he brings ice cream and cookies but also because he is him. He taught James a new song...Open Your Heart and Let the Sunshine In which I didn't really remember but I'm fairly sure he taught me at the same age. He and James talked about baseball and Star Wars and he bounced Max around a little.
It's so hard, man. We try to keep our distance and I try to pull Max away and Grandpa knows he shouldn't come close. If my sister saw how close he let the kids get to him, she'd be furious. And if I put masks on them not only will they not keep them on but he wouldn't be able to hear them. So we...do our best. We stay outside. We don't hover. We try to keep the kids distracted and as far as possible. I know my husband was waiting for me to set limits and I just don't know how. Those kids mean the world to him and he hasn't cuddled either of them in months. He knows what the risks are. Somehow we've been social distancing for four months or something like that and it's only gotten harder. Regrets? Probably. I should do better. I'm trying to do better. I took James with me to get dog food after Grandpa left, mostly because I'm trying to take him on outings where he has to practice wearing the mask because he hasn't done it much and he's going to have to learn. And I spent the ENTIRE time trying to get him to stop touching EVERYTHING.
Do I worry? Of course I worry! This thing is far from over, people are still getting sick every single day. We still could lose Grandpa to this. He remains the one at highest risk and while he doesn't go too many places he occasionally sees his neighbors and goes to the grocery store. But we are imperfect. We are doing the best we can. I'm trying so hard to follow all the rules possible and keep my life moving forward. Everything is a balancing act and sometimes I just don't have the ability to stop Max from running full speed into Grandpa's legs and having Grandpa bounce him because Grandpa is funny. The reality is most of Max's life will be spent without Grandpa. I hope we have several years ahead of us to spend with Grandpa, but best case scenario is he will be someone Max remembers from his early years. The odds of Grandpa making it to Max's 12th or 13th birthday just aren't great. We all know that. His 5th or 6th? Maybe. His 2nd, in about six weeks? I hope so. But today is all we have and today I saw Grandpa laugh at Max playing for the first time in a VERY long time. I've lost an awful lot of people in my life and every single one of them I'm grateful for some of those times spent that I look back on now. Because that's really all you have are moments and memories. Max asks for Grandpa constantly now. Part of it is the cookies. But he also has had a shortage of family around to be that for him lately...not because they don't want to be. In an ordinary summer we would be getting ready to go see Daddy's side of the family in Michigan in a couple of weeks. It's not an ordinary summer and so we don't get to see those people. So Max adores Aunty Molly and Grandpa because he gets to see them and play with them and that ain't nothing.
So social distancing is hard and my subconscious hates me, but I'm trying to go with no regrets. We are all doing our very best. The world is a tough place right now with everyone a hair trigger and quick to criticize and so we breathe in and out and remind ourselves that we are all doing our very best. I'm hoping we will get to see Grandpa again in a week or two and in about a month my sister and her family will be here. Family really is so much. Even if it's complicated. And it's always complicated.
Media: I did finish that book and I moved onto With the Fire On High by Elizabeth Acevedo. I also finished rereading her first book The Poet X on audio while driving Max yesterday. Boy is she a treasure. The main character in With the Fire on High is a teen mother of a two-year-old and that book gives me alllll the mama feels. More Golden Girls...Hulu pulled a Golden Girls episode where they wear mud masks because the streaming services are pulling anything that smells like blackface now and the Internet lost its collective mind. But oh how I love the Golden Girls. Nothing soothes like it.
Today I'm grateful for my dad, music (mook-ee, Max would say) being outside, sunshine, neighbors, little free libraries, yummy food, deli food, reading to James, and one more glorious day being part of my family on this planet.
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