Day #86: Prayer and this Messed up World
It's one of those weeks where the world is crashing down on both the macro and the micro levels and it's hard to know where to put my focus.
On the macro level, ANOTHER black man was killed while in police custody and on video. I don't know why this seems to happen so freaking often. Probably it has always happened, we as white people just know more now because there's more video now. So there are more peaceful protests all over and some less than peaceful ones that are getting all the attention because that is what always happens. It makes my heart hurt and my head ache and it makes me wonder is this really 2020? Are we really still doing this? Are my friends and people I know really still terrified of being pulled over by a cop because this is still a thing? It makes me feel helpless and tired and it makes facebook an even harder place to be because it's just more people not listening to each other. People ask, why looting and it's an understandable question and then they get an answer they don't know how to listen to and it becomes really exhausting. I don't know how the problem gets solved but facebook isn't it.
A friend of mine proposed a 24 hour prayer vigil in which different people take an hour to pray about the violence against BIPOC (an acronym I just learned today, it stands for Black and Indigenous People of Color, understanding that the lived experience of these groups in America is a fundamentally different experience than the experience of other people of color.) I told her I'd take an hour. I don't think I have ever sat and prayed for a solid hour in my life but it has to be better than spending that same hour on facebook. A friend of mine posted a statement by a Catholic priest about the argument over churches reopening and he made some solid points on both sides, namely that church buildings are probably big enough to house groups bigger than the 5 currently allowed HOWEVER religious communities need to understand that sacrifices have to be made to avoid continued spread of the virus and death. He ended his statement by saying perhaps we would all benefit from less time spent on social media and more time in prayer. He's not wrong.
So that's the macro...this sad and effed up world in which we live. Because the COVID-19 virus isn't enough, there's this horrible virus of racism we've all been fighting for the last 400 years and occasionally it feels like we get a little better but it turns out we don't.
As for the micro, well, we found out this week that as of July 1 my husband is joining the ranks of the unemployed. He's been working from home since March 4 and working so hard...it just profoundly sucks. I won't go into the details...even if I wanted to which I don't it is really important to not jeopardize his severance package which I feel lucky we get.
He's a smart guy, he's very employable, he works in a high demand field. I think we are going to be okay. It's going to be rough for awhile but I don't think it's going to last a real long time. He has a lot of connections in his industry and fantastic friends who are already connecting him with their managers. I continue to feel very lucky. But it also sucks. We are far from alone...so many people are dealing with this right now. But it really isn't fun. And I'm not looking forward to telling James that Daddy's work is closing down, which we need to do soon because I don't want him to overhear anything. He's grieving the loss of a job and an organization he really loved that is shutting down in addition to worrying about his own situation.
I think being a stay at home mom adds another dimension to this for me...I LOVE what I do and I chose it, but I also came to it at age 35. I was used to working and supporting myself and having a career...it is an interesting challenge to learn how to depend on someone else's income when you are used to be independent and then when that income becomes temporarily shaky...well, it comes with its own set of emotions. I don't think this is going to send me back to work...I think in the current world situation he will find work sooner than I ever could...but it has caused me to update my own resume and start keeping an eye on job postings in my field, and for a stay at home mom who has been out of professional work for six years writing a resume is a fraught thing anyway.
I don't believe in a God that sends bad things to the world for reasons only He understands and to teach us things...you hear that a lot in tough times like this and I think it's a load of crap. If that's your God, you can have him. But I do think that while horrible things are truly horrible and we shouldn't sugar coat that, we can look for the little silver linings that do happen. It doesn't make the bad thing that has happened okay, but like the sugar coating they put on medicine, it makes it a tiny bit easier on your system. One silver lining from all of this is he is realizing how deep and strong his friendship circle is. My husband is the world's original introvert and very socially awkward. But he is a really good friend and as such he has really good friends who have offered him everything from a place to vent to career advice and everything in between. And my sweet sweet husband has taken this whole thing really well all things considered. It's tough, of course it's tough, but he's not let it get to him in a way it would be easy to to. Tough days are ahead but we have each other and we are so lucky it makes me cry to think about it. I asked my minister to pray for us and he said he would pray for new opportunities that bring joy to our lives. That's how I feel, too. There are periods of creative destruction that royally suck but sometimes they have to happen to clear the way for something new and although I certainly have my down moments I truly believe that is what is happening for us right now. In the meantime, less steak, less book buying, and more board game nights. It's kind of nice to be coupon cutting during a pandemic. There's not a lot to spend money on.
Tonight was family board game night, his idea. It was the first time we've tried it. We put Max to bed early (well, we tried...it took awhile and all three of us attempted to tuck him in at least once) and the three of us popped popcorn and played board games. It was really just SO FUN. I am looking forward to doing it again. I can't believe how big James is but he is at such a fun age. I was so tired during Max's nap...nights have been rough and Max decided for some reason that he needed to be awake before 6 this morning...but instead of sending James away (I tried once or twice) we snuggled in the hammock and read for awhile just the two of us. He's such a great kid. I love that he's a reader, I love that he still loves snuggles (when he doesn't hurt me,) I love that he wants to play with me. We put together a puzzle today. I love that he's big enough to do these things.
It's the weekend now and I've asked to sleep in tomorrow and maybe even for some adult time with a friend of mine (properly socially distanced, of course.) The world remains a messed up place but we deal with it the only way we know how...together.
Today's media consumption: I finished two books! Jo's Boys and In Praise of Fragments, the poetry collection I've been working on. I also, in celebration of my 5 year podcast anniversary, tuned into my favorite podcast on podcasting, She Podcasts. That was like hanging out with old friends. I love those two co-hosts.
Today I'm grateful for board games, hammock swings, coffee, my family, good friends, good books (and mediocre ones,) stories that challenge me, faith, rest, Paul Simon, Weird Al, podcasts, and people. People are awesome. Most of the time.
On the macro level, ANOTHER black man was killed while in police custody and on video. I don't know why this seems to happen so freaking often. Probably it has always happened, we as white people just know more now because there's more video now. So there are more peaceful protests all over and some less than peaceful ones that are getting all the attention because that is what always happens. It makes my heart hurt and my head ache and it makes me wonder is this really 2020? Are we really still doing this? Are my friends and people I know really still terrified of being pulled over by a cop because this is still a thing? It makes me feel helpless and tired and it makes facebook an even harder place to be because it's just more people not listening to each other. People ask, why looting and it's an understandable question and then they get an answer they don't know how to listen to and it becomes really exhausting. I don't know how the problem gets solved but facebook isn't it.
A friend of mine proposed a 24 hour prayer vigil in which different people take an hour to pray about the violence against BIPOC (an acronym I just learned today, it stands for Black and Indigenous People of Color, understanding that the lived experience of these groups in America is a fundamentally different experience than the experience of other people of color.) I told her I'd take an hour. I don't think I have ever sat and prayed for a solid hour in my life but it has to be better than spending that same hour on facebook. A friend of mine posted a statement by a Catholic priest about the argument over churches reopening and he made some solid points on both sides, namely that church buildings are probably big enough to house groups bigger than the 5 currently allowed HOWEVER religious communities need to understand that sacrifices have to be made to avoid continued spread of the virus and death. He ended his statement by saying perhaps we would all benefit from less time spent on social media and more time in prayer. He's not wrong.
So that's the macro...this sad and effed up world in which we live. Because the COVID-19 virus isn't enough, there's this horrible virus of racism we've all been fighting for the last 400 years and occasionally it feels like we get a little better but it turns out we don't.
As for the micro, well, we found out this week that as of July 1 my husband is joining the ranks of the unemployed. He's been working from home since March 4 and working so hard...it just profoundly sucks. I won't go into the details...even if I wanted to which I don't it is really important to not jeopardize his severance package which I feel lucky we get.
He's a smart guy, he's very employable, he works in a high demand field. I think we are going to be okay. It's going to be rough for awhile but I don't think it's going to last a real long time. He has a lot of connections in his industry and fantastic friends who are already connecting him with their managers. I continue to feel very lucky. But it also sucks. We are far from alone...so many people are dealing with this right now. But it really isn't fun. And I'm not looking forward to telling James that Daddy's work is closing down, which we need to do soon because I don't want him to overhear anything. He's grieving the loss of a job and an organization he really loved that is shutting down in addition to worrying about his own situation.
I think being a stay at home mom adds another dimension to this for me...I LOVE what I do and I chose it, but I also came to it at age 35. I was used to working and supporting myself and having a career...it is an interesting challenge to learn how to depend on someone else's income when you are used to be independent and then when that income becomes temporarily shaky...well, it comes with its own set of emotions. I don't think this is going to send me back to work...I think in the current world situation he will find work sooner than I ever could...but it has caused me to update my own resume and start keeping an eye on job postings in my field, and for a stay at home mom who has been out of professional work for six years writing a resume is a fraught thing anyway.
I don't believe in a God that sends bad things to the world for reasons only He understands and to teach us things...you hear that a lot in tough times like this and I think it's a load of crap. If that's your God, you can have him. But I do think that while horrible things are truly horrible and we shouldn't sugar coat that, we can look for the little silver linings that do happen. It doesn't make the bad thing that has happened okay, but like the sugar coating they put on medicine, it makes it a tiny bit easier on your system. One silver lining from all of this is he is realizing how deep and strong his friendship circle is. My husband is the world's original introvert and very socially awkward. But he is a really good friend and as such he has really good friends who have offered him everything from a place to vent to career advice and everything in between. And my sweet sweet husband has taken this whole thing really well all things considered. It's tough, of course it's tough, but he's not let it get to him in a way it would be easy to to. Tough days are ahead but we have each other and we are so lucky it makes me cry to think about it. I asked my minister to pray for us and he said he would pray for new opportunities that bring joy to our lives. That's how I feel, too. There are periods of creative destruction that royally suck but sometimes they have to happen to clear the way for something new and although I certainly have my down moments I truly believe that is what is happening for us right now. In the meantime, less steak, less book buying, and more board game nights. It's kind of nice to be coupon cutting during a pandemic. There's not a lot to spend money on.
Tonight was family board game night, his idea. It was the first time we've tried it. We put Max to bed early (well, we tried...it took awhile and all three of us attempted to tuck him in at least once) and the three of us popped popcorn and played board games. It was really just SO FUN. I am looking forward to doing it again. I can't believe how big James is but he is at such a fun age. I was so tired during Max's nap...nights have been rough and Max decided for some reason that he needed to be awake before 6 this morning...but instead of sending James away (I tried once or twice) we snuggled in the hammock and read for awhile just the two of us. He's such a great kid. I love that he's a reader, I love that he still loves snuggles (when he doesn't hurt me,) I love that he wants to play with me. We put together a puzzle today. I love that he's big enough to do these things.
It's the weekend now and I've asked to sleep in tomorrow and maybe even for some adult time with a friend of mine (properly socially distanced, of course.) The world remains a messed up place but we deal with it the only way we know how...together.
Today's media consumption: I finished two books! Jo's Boys and In Praise of Fragments, the poetry collection I've been working on. I also, in celebration of my 5 year podcast anniversary, tuned into my favorite podcast on podcasting, She Podcasts. That was like hanging out with old friends. I love those two co-hosts.
Today I'm grateful for board games, hammock swings, coffee, my family, good friends, good books (and mediocre ones,) stories that challenge me, faith, rest, Paul Simon, Weird Al, podcasts, and people. People are awesome. Most of the time.
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