Day #82: Being Gentle With James
Today was one of those days where I just didn't feel like I had enough time to do all the things, which sucks because on those days I just feel like I am avoiding my children. Because, of course there is time but it's the time without them that there isn't much of and that's hard.
I am reading a whole bunch of books, I wanted to get some of them finished, I badly needed to scrub the upstairs floors, I bailed on a genealogy Zoom date with my BFF yesterday and wanted to do that tonight, I want to blog, I want to write, I want to sweep, I want to keep laundry moving...I have no way to win. So I end up avoiding my children to do other things and that sucks.
So it poured rain all day, no social distanced get together with dad and he sounded so incredibly sad on the phone. I wish there was something I could do for him. And we ended up having family movie day. Daddy made popcorn and all four of us watched Monsters University. It was lovely. And the floors got washed and some of the other things got done. As did some cuddling.
James has been really into snuggles lately. He wants goodnight snuggles, he wants to be sung to, he wants to sit in my lap. Max, meanwhile has no patience for this and when he finds James in my lap will attempt to push him out of the way (it doesn't work, James being like three times his size.)
I try to remember how little he is. That's really hard to do with only Max around to compare him to and especially since he's grown like a weed and is reading everything in sight right now. But he's still just a little kid. He's done incredibly well with this. He rarely complains about things that are closed or not seeing his friends and since the early days has been really good about the rules when he does see people through the fence, etc. keeping his distance.
Yesterday while we were driving Josh and I were talking about how when things do open up it will look different and James started crying. I think in his little brain he's been telling himself, yeah, this is a long time, yeah, things are weird and different now, but this will end and then we'll go back to the way things were. And I just can't promise him that. We will find a normal...how much it will look like the old normal no one really knows. It was one of those moments when I remember how hard all of this has been on him. And I don't want to push him away so I can go do other "important" things. I want to hug him and snuggle him and remind him how much I love him and what an impossibly cool kid he is.
It's really easy to say that. It's really easy to believe that. But to actually do it? To actually in the moment when you are tired and the damn floor is so gross and the laundry is buzzing and the baby is crying and you have to pee to be patient and gentle with the little soul you've been entrusted. Is really really really really hard.
He is always telling me I'm the best mom and that he loves that I'm his mom and I want to say to him, buddy, I just wish I could be better. But he also tells me not to yell, so I guess there's that.
I was always the younger kid, and I'm seeing with James how hard it is to be the big kid. Big kids have to clean up more. Big kids have to be patient. Big kids have to wait. And he's so good at it...he's just the best big brother. And I SO wish he would listen more.
Media consumption today other than Monster's University: still working on Jo's Boys and listening to Emily of New Moon on audio. Very close to finishing that Alphamaniacs book, may try to do that when I'm done here. Some more How I Met Your Mother, it's just so soothing to watch reruns sometimes.
Today I'm grateful for friends, my kids, good popcorn, love, family, clean laundry, clean floors, a supportive husband, rest, and health.
I am reading a whole bunch of books, I wanted to get some of them finished, I badly needed to scrub the upstairs floors, I bailed on a genealogy Zoom date with my BFF yesterday and wanted to do that tonight, I want to blog, I want to write, I want to sweep, I want to keep laundry moving...I have no way to win. So I end up avoiding my children to do other things and that sucks.
So it poured rain all day, no social distanced get together with dad and he sounded so incredibly sad on the phone. I wish there was something I could do for him. And we ended up having family movie day. Daddy made popcorn and all four of us watched Monsters University. It was lovely. And the floors got washed and some of the other things got done. As did some cuddling.
James has been really into snuggles lately. He wants goodnight snuggles, he wants to be sung to, he wants to sit in my lap. Max, meanwhile has no patience for this and when he finds James in my lap will attempt to push him out of the way (it doesn't work, James being like three times his size.)
I try to remember how little he is. That's really hard to do with only Max around to compare him to and especially since he's grown like a weed and is reading everything in sight right now. But he's still just a little kid. He's done incredibly well with this. He rarely complains about things that are closed or not seeing his friends and since the early days has been really good about the rules when he does see people through the fence, etc. keeping his distance.
Yesterday while we were driving Josh and I were talking about how when things do open up it will look different and James started crying. I think in his little brain he's been telling himself, yeah, this is a long time, yeah, things are weird and different now, but this will end and then we'll go back to the way things were. And I just can't promise him that. We will find a normal...how much it will look like the old normal no one really knows. It was one of those moments when I remember how hard all of this has been on him. And I don't want to push him away so I can go do other "important" things. I want to hug him and snuggle him and remind him how much I love him and what an impossibly cool kid he is.
It's really easy to say that. It's really easy to believe that. But to actually do it? To actually in the moment when you are tired and the damn floor is so gross and the laundry is buzzing and the baby is crying and you have to pee to be patient and gentle with the little soul you've been entrusted. Is really really really really hard.
He is always telling me I'm the best mom and that he loves that I'm his mom and I want to say to him, buddy, I just wish I could be better. But he also tells me not to yell, so I guess there's that.
I was always the younger kid, and I'm seeing with James how hard it is to be the big kid. Big kids have to clean up more. Big kids have to be patient. Big kids have to wait. And he's so good at it...he's just the best big brother. And I SO wish he would listen more.
Media consumption today other than Monster's University: still working on Jo's Boys and listening to Emily of New Moon on audio. Very close to finishing that Alphamaniacs book, may try to do that when I'm done here. Some more How I Met Your Mother, it's just so soothing to watch reruns sometimes.
Today I'm grateful for friends, my kids, good popcorn, love, family, clean laundry, clean floors, a supportive husband, rest, and health.
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