Day #80: Graduation Speakers and Big Kid Shoes
James broke his everyday shoes like 2 weeks into this thing and his mom finally went to Target today to get him new shoes. Max got new shoes from the Easter bunny, somehow James was skipped. Honestly, he's been walking around in 2 sizes 2 small water shoes for weeks now.
The kids' shoe section was SUPER picked over...apparently mine is not the only kid who has been growing. I looked for the light up ones I know he likes, I couldn't find them. I had to size up to make sure they weren't garish pink with unicorns...I'm all for gender neutral clothing but not stuff he hates. But even without the sizing up, he's made a leap. Once they pass size 13 in the little kids' shoe sizes (for reference, Max now wears about a size 7 in little kids' shoe sizes,) they go into size 1 in big people sizes. I had to get him size 2s and they look GIGANTIC on him...but they aren't really. I also bought him a couple of new hoodies because our laundry situation this week (washer was delivered today works great) has made me realize how few of these he has and you need them here in the spring.
The kid looks so big. I swear, he's left behind all illusions of being little. But he's also really not. Just being here with his little brother it's SO easy to forget how little he still is. The checker at Target complimented me on one of the sweatshirts I bought, since 2 of the 3 were black and gray and one was not, and asked how old he was. I told her and she smiled and said, oh, so he's still little enough that he doesn't HAVE to wear black or gray. She's right. He's still so little. But in big kid shoes.
He's been so snuggly of late, too. I mean, honestly, it gets annoying, especially as a bedtime stall tactic and he's so big now I have to keep him from aggressively snuggling me to the point where it hurts. But I know things are insecure right now and he's clinging to me...and he won't want to be snuggled forever. I try to enjoy it.
I did skip my blog post last night. All afternoon I fantasized about after the kids were in bed getting into bed and reading and I knew if I went anywhere near a computer or even came downstairs it would not happen so I just did it. It was lovely. I didn't get as much reading done as I may have dreamed of, but I made myself snacks and just snuggled in bed and it was divine. I need to do that more often. The struggle for some kind of self and some kind of alone time in the midst of this has me in project mode and while project mode isn't necessarily bad it does mean not enough sleep and burning the candle at both ends. I ended up watching another episode of Little Fires Everywhere and went to bed too late anyway, but the reading was really nice. Other media consumption: I'm currently reading Alphamaniacs, my poetry collection In Praise of Fragments, Art & Fear, and today I started Louisa May Alcott's Jo's Boys as part of the #shelfhelp readathon. I hope to finish it in a week so I divided it into seven sections of somewhere around 3 chapters, one section to read per day. I made today's section.
On the way back from Target I caught a piece on the radio about graduation speeches. There was a televised national graduation the other night and President Obama spoke but I haven't been paying much attention...I don't have a graduating senior close to me so that is one particular grief I am spared. But the folks on this radio show were giving funny graduation speeches and one of them decided to give one like he was talking to his senior year 18-year-old self, class of 1994. I decided that was a good exercise, so I am going to try it here.
To 18-year-old Kris, class of 1997, Gov. John R. Rogers High School, Puyallup, WA
It's okay that you have no idea what you want to do.
Most of us don't. And a lot of us change our minds multiple times along the way. You probably won't know next year, either, in fact when you next graduate and receive your bachelor's degree (life is full of graduations,) you probably still won't know. And that's okay.
You haven't found your people yet. A lot of us don't in high school. You were always a late bloomer and that isn't likely to change. But you are just coming into an age of your life where you are going to find your tribe. Enjoy them. Laugh and love and travel and experience life with them. And don't let them go as you get older. Lucky for you, most of them won't let you, but holding onto them is your job, too.
Keep writing. Keep telling your story. It will be hard to do, but don't waste time not putting words down. You will regret it.
It's okay to take chances. Take plenty of them. A lot of people will find your decisions crazy. You don't always follow the security path. But you won't regret the chances you take. You'll regret the ones you won't.
I know you miss your mom today. I know you thought about how you don't have enough family left for your allocation of graduation tickets. This will not be the last big event of your life where you will miss her. And it's okay. Missing her is okay. Just don't let that be the thing that keeps you from life. It's also okay to heal, to get better, to come to terms with her death, with all death. Slowly and over a lifetime, as everybody does. And hold onto the family you have left, extended as well as immediate, even the difficult ones. It's worth having a family. It's also worth finding your family, the people you spend holidays with and call when you need someone. Both are okay.
Go on a lot of camping trips because you are young and it doesn't hurt your back to lie on the ground. And watch a lot of baseball because these are the golden years for your Mariners and they can't possibly last.
You are more afraid than you let on. That's okay, because fear is not going to hold you back. Don't let it. And when it does...it will...and you realize it, you can correct your course.
You can always correct your course. You will not go in a straight line. Almost no one does and those that do usually get places too quickly.
Enjoy the heck out of your 20s because it's gonna make turning 30 feel amazing.
Find ways of not letting your temper get the better of you. But don't lose your passion.
Learn a lot, read a lot, go outside and be with trees a lot. And watch less TV.
You're gonna be okay.
Love, 2020 Kris, age 41, in the midst of a global pandemic.
Today I'm thankful for friends, Target, a new washing machine, books, bubbles, balloons, cold cereal, hot showers, and going to bed on time.
The kids' shoe section was SUPER picked over...apparently mine is not the only kid who has been growing. I looked for the light up ones I know he likes, I couldn't find them. I had to size up to make sure they weren't garish pink with unicorns...I'm all for gender neutral clothing but not stuff he hates. But even without the sizing up, he's made a leap. Once they pass size 13 in the little kids' shoe sizes (for reference, Max now wears about a size 7 in little kids' shoe sizes,) they go into size 1 in big people sizes. I had to get him size 2s and they look GIGANTIC on him...but they aren't really. I also bought him a couple of new hoodies because our laundry situation this week (washer was delivered today works great) has made me realize how few of these he has and you need them here in the spring.
The kid looks so big. I swear, he's left behind all illusions of being little. But he's also really not. Just being here with his little brother it's SO easy to forget how little he still is. The checker at Target complimented me on one of the sweatshirts I bought, since 2 of the 3 were black and gray and one was not, and asked how old he was. I told her and she smiled and said, oh, so he's still little enough that he doesn't HAVE to wear black or gray. She's right. He's still so little. But in big kid shoes.
He's been so snuggly of late, too. I mean, honestly, it gets annoying, especially as a bedtime stall tactic and he's so big now I have to keep him from aggressively snuggling me to the point where it hurts. But I know things are insecure right now and he's clinging to me...and he won't want to be snuggled forever. I try to enjoy it.
I did skip my blog post last night. All afternoon I fantasized about after the kids were in bed getting into bed and reading and I knew if I went anywhere near a computer or even came downstairs it would not happen so I just did it. It was lovely. I didn't get as much reading done as I may have dreamed of, but I made myself snacks and just snuggled in bed and it was divine. I need to do that more often. The struggle for some kind of self and some kind of alone time in the midst of this has me in project mode and while project mode isn't necessarily bad it does mean not enough sleep and burning the candle at both ends. I ended up watching another episode of Little Fires Everywhere and went to bed too late anyway, but the reading was really nice. Other media consumption: I'm currently reading Alphamaniacs, my poetry collection In Praise of Fragments, Art & Fear, and today I started Louisa May Alcott's Jo's Boys as part of the #shelfhelp readathon. I hope to finish it in a week so I divided it into seven sections of somewhere around 3 chapters, one section to read per day. I made today's section.
On the way back from Target I caught a piece on the radio about graduation speeches. There was a televised national graduation the other night and President Obama spoke but I haven't been paying much attention...I don't have a graduating senior close to me so that is one particular grief I am spared. But the folks on this radio show were giving funny graduation speeches and one of them decided to give one like he was talking to his senior year 18-year-old self, class of 1994. I decided that was a good exercise, so I am going to try it here.
To 18-year-old Kris, class of 1997, Gov. John R. Rogers High School, Puyallup, WA
It's okay that you have no idea what you want to do.
Most of us don't. And a lot of us change our minds multiple times along the way. You probably won't know next year, either, in fact when you next graduate and receive your bachelor's degree (life is full of graduations,) you probably still won't know. And that's okay.
You haven't found your people yet. A lot of us don't in high school. You were always a late bloomer and that isn't likely to change. But you are just coming into an age of your life where you are going to find your tribe. Enjoy them. Laugh and love and travel and experience life with them. And don't let them go as you get older. Lucky for you, most of them won't let you, but holding onto them is your job, too.
Keep writing. Keep telling your story. It will be hard to do, but don't waste time not putting words down. You will regret it.
It's okay to take chances. Take plenty of them. A lot of people will find your decisions crazy. You don't always follow the security path. But you won't regret the chances you take. You'll regret the ones you won't.
I know you miss your mom today. I know you thought about how you don't have enough family left for your allocation of graduation tickets. This will not be the last big event of your life where you will miss her. And it's okay. Missing her is okay. Just don't let that be the thing that keeps you from life. It's also okay to heal, to get better, to come to terms with her death, with all death. Slowly and over a lifetime, as everybody does. And hold onto the family you have left, extended as well as immediate, even the difficult ones. It's worth having a family. It's also worth finding your family, the people you spend holidays with and call when you need someone. Both are okay.
Go on a lot of camping trips because you are young and it doesn't hurt your back to lie on the ground. And watch a lot of baseball because these are the golden years for your Mariners and they can't possibly last.
You are more afraid than you let on. That's okay, because fear is not going to hold you back. Don't let it. And when it does...it will...and you realize it, you can correct your course.
You can always correct your course. You will not go in a straight line. Almost no one does and those that do usually get places too quickly.
Enjoy the heck out of your 20s because it's gonna make turning 30 feel amazing.
Find ways of not letting your temper get the better of you. But don't lose your passion.
Learn a lot, read a lot, go outside and be with trees a lot. And watch less TV.
You're gonna be okay.
Love, 2020 Kris, age 41, in the midst of a global pandemic.
Today I'm thankful for friends, Target, a new washing machine, books, bubbles, balloons, cold cereal, hot showers, and going to bed on time.
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