Day #76: I Was Always Socially Awkward and Weird
James literally woke me up this morning asking when lunch was going to be because he knew we were having a social distanced lunch with friends. It's our second one with this particular friend, one of James's besties, and her mom.
Socially distanced lunches are so fun and so awkward. They parked their car in front of our fence, brought us food they passed to us, we sat in chairs on the other side of the fence and talked. Poor little girl got to eat lunch in the car but got to see James, and he was so excited he ran around like a freaking maniac ALL DAY.
I feel like this whole thing has made me forget how to be a socially functioning human being and it's not like I was that good at it in the first place. I was severely bullied as a child and didn't have a lot of friends. Everyone says that but I can literally remember being yelled at by my mom because she was volunteering at my school and walked past my P.E. class on a day when my one friend was absent so I had no one who would partner with me. She said that wasn't healthy, that we needed to make other friends so we wouldn't depend on each other so much. Um. If anyone else had been willing to come near either one of us we would have loved that. At that moment I realized how much she didn't know about what my life was like.
Looking back, I know there are things I could have done differently, ways of being less of a target. That doesn't make the behavior of the bullies okay, but I overreacted to being treated that way which made them do it more. But this was the conformist '80s. Kids now thrive on being different, to stand out and show independence is cool, makes you brave. That was not the culture of my suburban hometown in the 1980s.
So there's just a lot of social stuff I feel like I've never learned. I'm something of an introvert...I like hanging out with people and can do it but it takes quite a bit out of me and I'm not good in a crowd. I used to always find little kids to play with at family parties because they are easier...if you are an older person playing with the little kids they adore you and then I didn't have to figure out how to behave around grown-ups. I've never been one for substances, not even alcohol, so even when I was younger I didn't really have that as a crutch to make social situations less awkward. So I'm just...awkward.
Take that existing situation and add to it basically seeing no one for over 10 weeks now and I've just gotten...more awkward. So while it was a delight to see my friend and this is a person I feel close to and don't usually have those hangups with it surfaced old feelings...did I just ramble too much, did I talk over her because I was nervous, am I not a fun person to hang out with? Ancient baggage that in my 40s I don't deal with as much anymore because, let's face it, at this age who has time to hang out with people who aren't your people?
Don't get me wrong...it was super nice to see actual humans (although I very much miss the hugs and reminding James of what he can't share is always hard.) I just need to not get in my head about it. And with the fence all the way around our yard and the RV parking in the front we actually have an ideal yard for social distancing, which is nice. Not something that would have been top of the list when we were shopping for this house back in 2014, sigh.
All in all, it was a pretty good day. Laundry room floor still isn't clean, Josh was maybe gonna give it a fourth wash tonight. I feel like it might need to be a down on my hands and knees operation at some point. Washer repair person arrives tomorrow, so fingers crossed that is easy and painless. Day was kinda lazy overall. Got a big bag of books from the local free gifting group, keeping 10 of them, so that's both amazing and overwhelming.
Media consumption: A bit more How I Met Your Mother since we had such a lazy morning. Finished my book, the Will Grayson Will Grayson companion book. Very close to being done with Anne of Windy Poplars. And I know I say this every day but I think I am gonna head upstairs in about 10 minutes and watch another episode of Little Fires Everywhere...or maybe of Mrs. America which has probably dropped a new episode since it is now Wednesday on the East Coast.
Today I'm grateful for rhododendrons, friends, books, cookies, my yard, my family, sunshine, fresh air, health, and anther day.
Socially distanced lunches are so fun and so awkward. They parked their car in front of our fence, brought us food they passed to us, we sat in chairs on the other side of the fence and talked. Poor little girl got to eat lunch in the car but got to see James, and he was so excited he ran around like a freaking maniac ALL DAY.
I feel like this whole thing has made me forget how to be a socially functioning human being and it's not like I was that good at it in the first place. I was severely bullied as a child and didn't have a lot of friends. Everyone says that but I can literally remember being yelled at by my mom because she was volunteering at my school and walked past my P.E. class on a day when my one friend was absent so I had no one who would partner with me. She said that wasn't healthy, that we needed to make other friends so we wouldn't depend on each other so much. Um. If anyone else had been willing to come near either one of us we would have loved that. At that moment I realized how much she didn't know about what my life was like.
Looking back, I know there are things I could have done differently, ways of being less of a target. That doesn't make the behavior of the bullies okay, but I overreacted to being treated that way which made them do it more. But this was the conformist '80s. Kids now thrive on being different, to stand out and show independence is cool, makes you brave. That was not the culture of my suburban hometown in the 1980s.
So there's just a lot of social stuff I feel like I've never learned. I'm something of an introvert...I like hanging out with people and can do it but it takes quite a bit out of me and I'm not good in a crowd. I used to always find little kids to play with at family parties because they are easier...if you are an older person playing with the little kids they adore you and then I didn't have to figure out how to behave around grown-ups. I've never been one for substances, not even alcohol, so even when I was younger I didn't really have that as a crutch to make social situations less awkward. So I'm just...awkward.
Take that existing situation and add to it basically seeing no one for over 10 weeks now and I've just gotten...more awkward. So while it was a delight to see my friend and this is a person I feel close to and don't usually have those hangups with it surfaced old feelings...did I just ramble too much, did I talk over her because I was nervous, am I not a fun person to hang out with? Ancient baggage that in my 40s I don't deal with as much anymore because, let's face it, at this age who has time to hang out with people who aren't your people?
Don't get me wrong...it was super nice to see actual humans (although I very much miss the hugs and reminding James of what he can't share is always hard.) I just need to not get in my head about it. And with the fence all the way around our yard and the RV parking in the front we actually have an ideal yard for social distancing, which is nice. Not something that would have been top of the list when we were shopping for this house back in 2014, sigh.
All in all, it was a pretty good day. Laundry room floor still isn't clean, Josh was maybe gonna give it a fourth wash tonight. I feel like it might need to be a down on my hands and knees operation at some point. Washer repair person arrives tomorrow, so fingers crossed that is easy and painless. Day was kinda lazy overall. Got a big bag of books from the local free gifting group, keeping 10 of them, so that's both amazing and overwhelming.
Media consumption: A bit more How I Met Your Mother since we had such a lazy morning. Finished my book, the Will Grayson Will Grayson companion book. Very close to being done with Anne of Windy Poplars. And I know I say this every day but I think I am gonna head upstairs in about 10 minutes and watch another episode of Little Fires Everywhere...or maybe of Mrs. America which has probably dropped a new episode since it is now Wednesday on the East Coast.
Today I'm grateful for rhododendrons, friends, books, cookies, my yard, my family, sunshine, fresh air, health, and anther day.
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