Day #64: Hysterical Laughter and Hysterical Tears

Many years ago, before kids (he claims it was actually before we were married, that's not how I remember it,) my husband and I took an off season weekend trip to a quaint little town to get an Air BNB and be away for a couple of nights. It's something we used to do a lot pre-kids and even a bit with James but haven't done really since Max joined us and now feeling just a bit blue because we can't. But anyway, we went on this trip, and we had a huge fight. In the middle of the night. Neither of us can remember now what we fought about, but it was bad. Like, I just remember hysterical ugly crying in the middle of the night in what turned out to be not the world's most comfortable rental (I just remember it being really cold.)

It was rough. Obviously, we made it through, this is something that happens in relationships, and it was so vitally important that neither of us can remember now, but it was a rough night. What I remember now, though, is twenty four hours later when I was home I was on the phone with a friend who said, oh your husband is so cute, did you see what he put on Facebook? I had not, but it was basically a nice little post about how much he loved me and time spent away. I literally snorted. I was over being mad at him by then but I was a little like...really? He doesn't remember that we fought the whole time?

This is one of the big things I love about him, though...because disagreements and bad days are inevitable, but what he remembers always is the stuff that makes us...us. And since we've had a shortage of that stuff lately I am all the more grateful to him.

I did ugly cry in the middle of the night last night...I'll spare you the details...they are INCREDIBLY uninteresting...basically what happened was some stuff that I had been holding in emotionally came out all at once. It's been such a challenge these past few weeks just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep going and follow the rules and not worry too much and take care of the kids...it's a lot...anyone reading this now knows it's a lot, it is not unique to me, everyone is going through this right now. I felt bad unloading on him...it wasn't even *at* him...we had disagreed about something but it wasn't even mad ugly crying, it was just...emotions coming out. Finally. In the middle of the night.

And you know what? Sometimes what you need is a good ugly cry. It wasn't fun at the time, but when I woke up this morning he told me he loved me and talked about why...again, sappy romance, I'll spare you the details, but like with that trip so many years ago, there wasn't any lingering ickiness. I mean, there's lingering ickiness just with the world situation, but...it's like that quote my sister had read at her wedding from that horrible movie, hold on...

Okay, here it is: Ben Affleck's terrible character quoting a Reformation era bishop, that's what you call cognitive dissonance:

“Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful.”

If that doesn't sum up marriage in the time of pandemic, I do not know what does.

And there is a flip side to hysterically crying in the middle of the night...hysterically laughing in the middle of the day.

James was having one of those I only want mom afternoons. They've both been like that for several days, actually, God, I love them but it's exhausting. During Max's nap I just wanted to sit in my office and have a break and update my Goodreads account but James wasn't having it. I want to sit with you, mom. I want to be with you, mom. So I gave him a notebook and a pen and let him sit next to me and tried to encourage him to be as independent as possible, which generally means only interrupting me every five minutes instead of every two.

So I still don't know exactly what was going on because I wasn't paying that much attention. I mean, the kid had been talking...all day. He literally took a cardboard box on a string and dragged it behind him our whole walk today. It's name is Boxy and he is it's mom and he talked about this box the whole time. At some point you have to tune out, you will go nuts. So I wasn't really listening and suddenly I realize that he is planning a Star Wars concert for tonight and it is vitally important that the notebook I just gave him becomes a musical singing book before rehearsal, which should happen at any time.

I still don't quite know what was going on or what he wanted but he was so insistent that I needed to help him and RIGHT NOW and as I tried to decode his six-year-old thought process I just found myself laughing. I mean, the whole situation is just beyond ridiculous. Here I am sitting inside with two kids who haven't seen friends in weeks and won't for more weeks and James is so full of creative play energy that he's going to explode and I didn't sleep so I'm just trying to be some semblance of a functional human being and the whole thing is just so insane that you literally have to laugh. Or cry. It turns out what I've learned in the past 24 hours is the line between hysterical laughing and hysterical crying is a wobbly one and both accomplish basically the same thing.

So it's now a quarter to midnight and you might ask why I am not in bed after the 24 hours I have just had and that is a really good question and the answer doesn't make sense because the answer is that I have been researching family history of distant relatives who were sent to Indian boarding schools for multiple generations. See? Told ya.

Pandemic media consumption today: I started Little Fires Everywhere, which was in my order from the bookstore I got yesterday. I think I'm gonna like it but oddly after spending all day trying to read it once the kids were in bed I didn't want to. I will tomorrow, though. I watched more Dick Van Dyke and last night I watched the latest episode of that Mrs. America show, which I really like although I have this sneaking suspicion I'm the only one in the country who does.

Today I'm grateful for: my family, my office, that my kids love me so much they drive me crazy, that we are able to get the medical care we need, things that distract, bubbles, parenting while sitting down, love, life, and sunshine.