Day #49: The Word You're Looking for is Burnout
The coffee shop is down to a skeleton staff these days and whenever I drive through there I see one of two baristas. They recognize me because I am a tired mom who comes through a couple times a week and because usually I have my kids in the back and my kids are cute. So when I took Max for a drive today in a vain effort to get him to nap, I got the one who always smiles and says "Do you have big plans today?"
This. This is my big plan for today. This drive I am taking right now to get out of my house and wind through neighborhoods with houses I could never afford and water views, this is the big plan. Especially on a drizzly damp day like today. Which, I seriously couldn't complain, is one of the first truly miserable days we've had since this started and this started in MARCH. Never in my life have I seen such a gorgeous March and April here. It could be way worse. We could be doing this in November. Shudder.
So no one I know is sleeping well. No one who lives in my house, no one I talk to, basically no one. Can't sleep, wonky sleep schedule, feeling the need to sleep more than normal, insomnia, everyone seems to fall under the big umbrella of not sleeping well, tired. I think mine is a pretty typical combination of not enough real exercise (walking around the block with kiddos probably doesn't count and, let's be honest, I didn't even do that today,) combined with wanting personal time combined with feeling generally anxiety and stress about the situation combined with funky schedule. So my brain gets really tired but my body is like, no, man, we're cool to stay up to midnight and beyond. And we don't have to get up and GO anywhere...I mean, I'm awake in the 7 o'clock hour because my kids are but awake does not translate to "dressed and fully functional," it translates to "upright and here if you need me but still in bed." Plus last night Max didn't sleep well...I think he had a nightmare...so I ended up in bed with him and even when I don't have to do that the sleep hasn't been great. The dreams aren't great and without enough real exercise my body isn't tired enough to really sleep well. I seriously need to look into some kind of exercise at home program. I don't have the time for that. It will have to be something the kids like. Maybe there's like 1970s Jazzercise on YouTube or something. They would probably get a kick out of that.
Also, no one has really had a day off since this started. I mean, yeah, there are weekends, which translates to my husband doesn't have to work from home so he gets to hang out with kids more but that's not restful. And he can give me some time but where am I going to go? I can't go for a swim or sit in a coffeeshop or go shopping or any of the places I might usually go to get away, road trips aren't a thing, certainly can't do a family vacation or weekend getaway. I can't even really go for a walk on my own because the parks are mostly closed and the trails, especially on the weekends, are so crowded because NO ONE HAS ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO. (Note to the people in charge: I do understand why you feel obliged to close parks but be aware the more things you close the more people are forced to crowd into places that remain open.)
I mean, it could be worse. Like, a lot worse. My sister just sent me a news article, apparently children in Spain have not been allowed to go outside, like, to play in six weeks. Children have been required to be in their homes for six weeks. Talk about your lack of exercise. And I've not been to Spain but I am guessing that "at home" to them doesn't exactly mean my 3500 square foot house with 2 living spaces. So in many ways we are so lucky. Even right here in our hometown people are living through this in homeless shelters or worse. Imagine trying to do online school in a homeless shelter. So I complain a lot but in reality we have it very very good here.
Still. It is getting close to 2 months we've been doing this and no one has really had a day off. So we are burned out. And you know what burned out looks like? We do less. Kids sit in front of screens more. Work gets slower. Motivation is hard to come by. It affects the kids, too. James spent the whole day yesterday having coronavirus "symptoms." Well, darling, your cough is fake and your temperature is normal, so I think you're okay. Today it downgraded to a general "I"m tired." And he is. He sleeps better than the rest of us, but even James my champion sleeper is having a harder time falling asleep these days. Burnout is not limited to the adults.
I'm gonna have to find some way of shaking things up a bit...maybe more projects tomorrow? Thursdays tend to be a pretty light school day, maybe we will do some more baking or I have some break glass in case of emergency STEM kits to break out when things get monotonous, this might be the week. I want to do peanut butter play doh but my husband thinks it's a waste of food and we shouldn't do that. Well, it doesn't feel wasteful to me, I'll eat it. Plus, he's gotta work anyway, so probably won't notice.
Today was a big reading day...I've realized that days when I don't parent well I tend to read a lot, draw your own conclusions there. I mean, the kids and I read a lot, too. James and I are working our way through Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, how much do I love her. And even little Max brought me a poetry book for kids and sat through a good dozen poems. I finished the Anne Lamott book on prayer and listened to Stitches, another of hers I like on audio while Max and I were out driving. I am slowly working through The Graveyard Book on audio...somehow it's not grabbing me like it did on first read 12 years ago. I think it might get more interesting soon. I started Before Green Gables, the Anne of Green Gables prequel, tonight and the jury is way out on that one but I'll stick with it for awhile. It's very long. I picked up Ice Town Clowns, my Parks and Recreation podcast today, that was nice and brainless. And the fourth episode of Mrs. America is out now, the one on Betty Friedan, so that should be interesting. James still loves Lucy, which makes me happy. He doesn't understand it all but the physical comedy is hilarious to him and I like that we can watch it together...it's nice to share classic stuff like that with him.
Today I'm grateful for coffee, my kids, good books, laughing with James, Max being a goofball, HEALTH (haven't said that one in awhile, need to remember that,) ice cream sandwiches, poetry, and warm comfort food. And talking to dad. I miss my dad. I'm grateful I get to talk to him almost every day.
This. This is my big plan for today. This drive I am taking right now to get out of my house and wind through neighborhoods with houses I could never afford and water views, this is the big plan. Especially on a drizzly damp day like today. Which, I seriously couldn't complain, is one of the first truly miserable days we've had since this started and this started in MARCH. Never in my life have I seen such a gorgeous March and April here. It could be way worse. We could be doing this in November. Shudder.
So no one I know is sleeping well. No one who lives in my house, no one I talk to, basically no one. Can't sleep, wonky sleep schedule, feeling the need to sleep more than normal, insomnia, everyone seems to fall under the big umbrella of not sleeping well, tired. I think mine is a pretty typical combination of not enough real exercise (walking around the block with kiddos probably doesn't count and, let's be honest, I didn't even do that today,) combined with wanting personal time combined with feeling generally anxiety and stress about the situation combined with funky schedule. So my brain gets really tired but my body is like, no, man, we're cool to stay up to midnight and beyond. And we don't have to get up and GO anywhere...I mean, I'm awake in the 7 o'clock hour because my kids are but awake does not translate to "dressed and fully functional," it translates to "upright and here if you need me but still in bed." Plus last night Max didn't sleep well...I think he had a nightmare...so I ended up in bed with him and even when I don't have to do that the sleep hasn't been great. The dreams aren't great and without enough real exercise my body isn't tired enough to really sleep well. I seriously need to look into some kind of exercise at home program. I don't have the time for that. It will have to be something the kids like. Maybe there's like 1970s Jazzercise on YouTube or something. They would probably get a kick out of that.
Also, no one has really had a day off since this started. I mean, yeah, there are weekends, which translates to my husband doesn't have to work from home so he gets to hang out with kids more but that's not restful. And he can give me some time but where am I going to go? I can't go for a swim or sit in a coffeeshop or go shopping or any of the places I might usually go to get away, road trips aren't a thing, certainly can't do a family vacation or weekend getaway. I can't even really go for a walk on my own because the parks are mostly closed and the trails, especially on the weekends, are so crowded because NO ONE HAS ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO. (Note to the people in charge: I do understand why you feel obliged to close parks but be aware the more things you close the more people are forced to crowd into places that remain open.)
I mean, it could be worse. Like, a lot worse. My sister just sent me a news article, apparently children in Spain have not been allowed to go outside, like, to play in six weeks. Children have been required to be in their homes for six weeks. Talk about your lack of exercise. And I've not been to Spain but I am guessing that "at home" to them doesn't exactly mean my 3500 square foot house with 2 living spaces. So in many ways we are so lucky. Even right here in our hometown people are living through this in homeless shelters or worse. Imagine trying to do online school in a homeless shelter. So I complain a lot but in reality we have it very very good here.
Still. It is getting close to 2 months we've been doing this and no one has really had a day off. So we are burned out. And you know what burned out looks like? We do less. Kids sit in front of screens more. Work gets slower. Motivation is hard to come by. It affects the kids, too. James spent the whole day yesterday having coronavirus "symptoms." Well, darling, your cough is fake and your temperature is normal, so I think you're okay. Today it downgraded to a general "I"m tired." And he is. He sleeps better than the rest of us, but even James my champion sleeper is having a harder time falling asleep these days. Burnout is not limited to the adults.
I'm gonna have to find some way of shaking things up a bit...maybe more projects tomorrow? Thursdays tend to be a pretty light school day, maybe we will do some more baking or I have some break glass in case of emergency STEM kits to break out when things get monotonous, this might be the week. I want to do peanut butter play doh but my husband thinks it's a waste of food and we shouldn't do that. Well, it doesn't feel wasteful to me, I'll eat it. Plus, he's gotta work anyway, so probably won't notice.
Today was a big reading day...I've realized that days when I don't parent well I tend to read a lot, draw your own conclusions there. I mean, the kids and I read a lot, too. James and I are working our way through Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, how much do I love her. And even little Max brought me a poetry book for kids and sat through a good dozen poems. I finished the Anne Lamott book on prayer and listened to Stitches, another of hers I like on audio while Max and I were out driving. I am slowly working through The Graveyard Book on audio...somehow it's not grabbing me like it did on first read 12 years ago. I think it might get more interesting soon. I started Before Green Gables, the Anne of Green Gables prequel, tonight and the jury is way out on that one but I'll stick with it for awhile. It's very long. I picked up Ice Town Clowns, my Parks and Recreation podcast today, that was nice and brainless. And the fourth episode of Mrs. America is out now, the one on Betty Friedan, so that should be interesting. James still loves Lucy, which makes me happy. He doesn't understand it all but the physical comedy is hilarious to him and I like that we can watch it together...it's nice to share classic stuff like that with him.
Today I'm grateful for coffee, my kids, good books, laughing with James, Max being a goofball, HEALTH (haven't said that one in awhile, need to remember that,) ice cream sandwiches, poetry, and warm comfort food. And talking to dad. I miss my dad. I'm grateful I get to talk to him almost every day.
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