Day #46: Moderation Isn't Allowed
Know what's generally not an awesome course of action? Fighting with your husband about second wave feminism in the middle of the night.
I convinced him to watch the first episode of the series Mrs. America on FX with me last night. It's a historical period drama focusing on Phyllis Schlafly and the fight against the Equal Rights amendment. I thought it looked interesting. I maybe should have watched it alone.
I've always considered myself kind of a bad feminist. Maybe it comes from being a fan of Ainsley Hayes, the Ann Coulter-esque character in early West Wing episodes. I mean, I consider myself a feminist. I believe in strong laws against sexual harassment and marital rape, I'm a fan of women voting and holding political office, and I've become very pro choice in my middle age, although I was raised fairly religious and didn't really start out that way. My parents weren't crazy religious conservatives, they were Reagan Republicans and my mom was a stay-at-home mom. I can't remember ever talking politics with my mom (she died when I was 16.) My dad taught history and I liked hearing his stories about history. He's always been a pretty middle of the road guy, a self described Nixon Republican. But my parents were always supportive of debate and independent thought. I remember in the 1988 election when my sister, who was 12, had just found her political voice and hung a hand drawn Dukakis sign in our living room window. My parents allowed that. She was allowed to have her opinions and my sister remains a liberal person to this day.
In college I was a political science major and always felt like the most conservative person on a very liberal campus. I was for sure pro LGBTQ rights but I still didn't know how I felt about abortion and when there was a movement on campus to strike the word "allegedly" from reports of a sexual assault on campus I remember being confused...a lot of the people I was spending time with said they wanted to be lawyers and I wondered where that whole innocent until being proven guilty thing came in. I still wonder that, to be honest, in the days of Me Too. I like that we are encouraging people to step forward and that we are supporting survivors speaking out but I still believe in due process.
As for feminism, I don't think we talk enough about the elitism of second wave feminism. I do think there is a tendency in certain circles of what 1970s feminists would call "enlightened" and today we would call "woke" feminists that demean stay at home moms, homeschoolers, and people of faith. I can understand why those women, and I'm one of them, by the way, feel patronized and talked down to. This is still happening.
Now. Let me be clear. There are other things we do not talk about. We don't talk about the racism of the conservative women's movements, both then and now. We don't talk about why white women were the deciding factor in the election of the last president, who by the way is not a conservative by any definition, counting on nationalistic populism of the xenophobic variety for his support. So there are two sides.
So it's distinctly possible if not likely that I came to this TV show with some baggage and it felt much more real to my life than a historical TV drama set almost a half century ago. But here's the problem I found myself having when I argued with my husband after the first episode ended...I feel like if my friends, who expect me to be a good Seattle liberal, hear me say anything, and I mean anything, that contradicts the beliefs of the "woke," then I get lumped into that racist xenophobic camp that is represented in people's minds by characters like Schlafly and Trump. I don't identify with that group at all, but I also don't always completely agree with the "woke" side on everything. I feel like it has become not okay to be in the middle. On anything. Ever. Even now, in this new wave of protesters demanding the end to stay at home orders and quarantines. Ask one question about whether some things should be relaxed or take one risk that the masses deem not okay and suddenly you get lumped into the crazies who don't believe in science.
When I was graduating college I applied to the Teach for America program and I was invited to a day long interview process. There were a lot of parts to it that I've not seen in any job interview before or since but something I remember was that they wanted to hear how we would express ourselves in a public forum or debate. So they put us in a group, I can't remember, of maybe six people, and gave us a current events topic to discuss while the rest of the room watched how we conducted ourselves in that discussion. Now, I was a political science major, even on the most liberal of college campuses we were encouraged to debate and discuss issues and read positions and court opinions of all stripes. For the life of me I can't remember which issue we were given to discuss, it was a long time ago, but I remember all the people on my "team" started to kind of parrot the same lines, lining up to give evidence on "the right side." I didn't find that interesting and because we had been told we were being evaluated based on how well we could have civil discussions, I started throwing out some devil's advocate arguments from the side not represented, not as my own opinion but as "people might say" or "I've heard," mostly so the conversation wouldn't stall. At one point, I realized everyone in this fairly large classroom was staring at me like I was a crazy person...like, who says that? In every other group that went, no one took the less popular side.
I was not selected for the Teach for America program. I don't know why. They didn't tell me. I'm sure it's competitive. But I will say that's what I remember about the interview.
By the way, years later, I was also turned down with a job from the Boy Scouts for making it clear in an interview that I was not comfortable with the questions do you believe in God and are you a homosexual, which the court had said they could ask. Even though I could honestly give the "right" answers, I was offended by the questions. So you see, I'm not super great at fitting into anyone's box.
So, yeah, I feel like a closet moderate. And I'm not just talking about social media although that is a snake pit where I don't put anything political. I am talking about my actual life, where things come up in conversation and sometimes I choose just not to say things because I am sincerely afraid my moderation will get me lumped in with a faction I neither belong to nor like. And I think that's troubling. Everyone can't be a moderate. We need extraordinary voices saying the things whose time has not yet come because no one else will say them. But those voices generally don't move things forward alone, they have to put together committees and things have to be compromised. Which sucks. But because the alternative to compromise tends to be dictatorship, you take the lesser of evils. So without any moderation you get...gridlock. Welcome to 2020.
I'm not just one thing, is I guess what I am saying. I am a liberal, but I'm also a fairly traditional person in my own life. I'm heterosexual. I'm cisgender. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm a person of faith. I'm a Christian. I'm a Lutheran.Those aren't my only identities, though. I'm also a Girl Scout. I'm a woman. I love science. I love nature. I believe in second chances. I'm descended from an undocumented immigrant and I believe in immigration reform. I'm a world traveler and I don't believe in American exceptionalism. I'm not just one thing. I don't have just one side.
I want to teach my kids that all opinions are valid. You don't have to like someone's opinion, you can fight against what they are trying to do with every fiber of your being and you can think they are wrong. But you can't tell them they can't think that way, feel that way. And you want to have people in your life who don't think like you. Diversity can't just mean diversity of culture of skin color or gender or nationality or language. All of those things are important. And diversity of faith. But diversity of thought is important, too. I like smart people who disagree with me. They are fun to talk to.
There are 2 more episodes of Mrs. America out right now. I'll be watching them. But not with my husband. Who, by the way, doesn't have to agree with me. But I did want him to understand that as a stay at home mom who was raised by a stay at home mom this conversation *may* be more personal than history to me.
Other media consumption today: the same stuff. Listened to the History Chicks series on early female presidential candidates, that was interesting. Hoped to finish my book today, it didn't happen. Tomorrow is another day. Today I watched, both with James and without, some I Love Lucy reruns and even sat through a bit of Star Wars with him and daddy.
Tonight I'm grateful for good conversation, my husband, venting on this blog, Max even though he didn't nap, singing and reading to James, sunshine, not cooking, and I Love Lucy.
I convinced him to watch the first episode of the series Mrs. America on FX with me last night. It's a historical period drama focusing on Phyllis Schlafly and the fight against the Equal Rights amendment. I thought it looked interesting. I maybe should have watched it alone.
I've always considered myself kind of a bad feminist. Maybe it comes from being a fan of Ainsley Hayes, the Ann Coulter-esque character in early West Wing episodes. I mean, I consider myself a feminist. I believe in strong laws against sexual harassment and marital rape, I'm a fan of women voting and holding political office, and I've become very pro choice in my middle age, although I was raised fairly religious and didn't really start out that way. My parents weren't crazy religious conservatives, they were Reagan Republicans and my mom was a stay-at-home mom. I can't remember ever talking politics with my mom (she died when I was 16.) My dad taught history and I liked hearing his stories about history. He's always been a pretty middle of the road guy, a self described Nixon Republican. But my parents were always supportive of debate and independent thought. I remember in the 1988 election when my sister, who was 12, had just found her political voice and hung a hand drawn Dukakis sign in our living room window. My parents allowed that. She was allowed to have her opinions and my sister remains a liberal person to this day.
In college I was a political science major and always felt like the most conservative person on a very liberal campus. I was for sure pro LGBTQ rights but I still didn't know how I felt about abortion and when there was a movement on campus to strike the word "allegedly" from reports of a sexual assault on campus I remember being confused...a lot of the people I was spending time with said they wanted to be lawyers and I wondered where that whole innocent until being proven guilty thing came in. I still wonder that, to be honest, in the days of Me Too. I like that we are encouraging people to step forward and that we are supporting survivors speaking out but I still believe in due process.
As for feminism, I don't think we talk enough about the elitism of second wave feminism. I do think there is a tendency in certain circles of what 1970s feminists would call "enlightened" and today we would call "woke" feminists that demean stay at home moms, homeschoolers, and people of faith. I can understand why those women, and I'm one of them, by the way, feel patronized and talked down to. This is still happening.
Now. Let me be clear. There are other things we do not talk about. We don't talk about the racism of the conservative women's movements, both then and now. We don't talk about why white women were the deciding factor in the election of the last president, who by the way is not a conservative by any definition, counting on nationalistic populism of the xenophobic variety for his support. So there are two sides.
So it's distinctly possible if not likely that I came to this TV show with some baggage and it felt much more real to my life than a historical TV drama set almost a half century ago. But here's the problem I found myself having when I argued with my husband after the first episode ended...I feel like if my friends, who expect me to be a good Seattle liberal, hear me say anything, and I mean anything, that contradicts the beliefs of the "woke," then I get lumped into that racist xenophobic camp that is represented in people's minds by characters like Schlafly and Trump. I don't identify with that group at all, but I also don't always completely agree with the "woke" side on everything. I feel like it has become not okay to be in the middle. On anything. Ever. Even now, in this new wave of protesters demanding the end to stay at home orders and quarantines. Ask one question about whether some things should be relaxed or take one risk that the masses deem not okay and suddenly you get lumped into the crazies who don't believe in science.
When I was graduating college I applied to the Teach for America program and I was invited to a day long interview process. There were a lot of parts to it that I've not seen in any job interview before or since but something I remember was that they wanted to hear how we would express ourselves in a public forum or debate. So they put us in a group, I can't remember, of maybe six people, and gave us a current events topic to discuss while the rest of the room watched how we conducted ourselves in that discussion. Now, I was a political science major, even on the most liberal of college campuses we were encouraged to debate and discuss issues and read positions and court opinions of all stripes. For the life of me I can't remember which issue we were given to discuss, it was a long time ago, but I remember all the people on my "team" started to kind of parrot the same lines, lining up to give evidence on "the right side." I didn't find that interesting and because we had been told we were being evaluated based on how well we could have civil discussions, I started throwing out some devil's advocate arguments from the side not represented, not as my own opinion but as "people might say" or "I've heard," mostly so the conversation wouldn't stall. At one point, I realized everyone in this fairly large classroom was staring at me like I was a crazy person...like, who says that? In every other group that went, no one took the less popular side.
I was not selected for the Teach for America program. I don't know why. They didn't tell me. I'm sure it's competitive. But I will say that's what I remember about the interview.
By the way, years later, I was also turned down with a job from the Boy Scouts for making it clear in an interview that I was not comfortable with the questions do you believe in God and are you a homosexual, which the court had said they could ask. Even though I could honestly give the "right" answers, I was offended by the questions. So you see, I'm not super great at fitting into anyone's box.
So, yeah, I feel like a closet moderate. And I'm not just talking about social media although that is a snake pit where I don't put anything political. I am talking about my actual life, where things come up in conversation and sometimes I choose just not to say things because I am sincerely afraid my moderation will get me lumped in with a faction I neither belong to nor like. And I think that's troubling. Everyone can't be a moderate. We need extraordinary voices saying the things whose time has not yet come because no one else will say them. But those voices generally don't move things forward alone, they have to put together committees and things have to be compromised. Which sucks. But because the alternative to compromise tends to be dictatorship, you take the lesser of evils. So without any moderation you get...gridlock. Welcome to 2020.
I'm not just one thing, is I guess what I am saying. I am a liberal, but I'm also a fairly traditional person in my own life. I'm heterosexual. I'm cisgender. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm a person of faith. I'm a Christian. I'm a Lutheran.Those aren't my only identities, though. I'm also a Girl Scout. I'm a woman. I love science. I love nature. I believe in second chances. I'm descended from an undocumented immigrant and I believe in immigration reform. I'm a world traveler and I don't believe in American exceptionalism. I'm not just one thing. I don't have just one side.
I want to teach my kids that all opinions are valid. You don't have to like someone's opinion, you can fight against what they are trying to do with every fiber of your being and you can think they are wrong. But you can't tell them they can't think that way, feel that way. And you want to have people in your life who don't think like you. Diversity can't just mean diversity of culture of skin color or gender or nationality or language. All of those things are important. And diversity of faith. But diversity of thought is important, too. I like smart people who disagree with me. They are fun to talk to.
There are 2 more episodes of Mrs. America out right now. I'll be watching them. But not with my husband. Who, by the way, doesn't have to agree with me. But I did want him to understand that as a stay at home mom who was raised by a stay at home mom this conversation *may* be more personal than history to me.
Other media consumption today: the same stuff. Listened to the History Chicks series on early female presidential candidates, that was interesting. Hoped to finish my book today, it didn't happen. Tomorrow is another day. Today I watched, both with James and without, some I Love Lucy reruns and even sat through a bit of Star Wars with him and daddy.
Tonight I'm grateful for good conversation, my husband, venting on this blog, Max even though he didn't nap, singing and reading to James, sunshine, not cooking, and I Love Lucy.
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