Day #44: My Husband is Being Paid to Blog
This whole thing has created an identity crisis for me. Or maybe exacerbated one I already had, I can't tell.
I have to start all of this with a HUGE DISCLAIMER. I know there is A TON OF UNCERTAINTY for A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE right now. People aren't working, people have been furloughed, essential workers are afraid of getting sick...I have in my past been furloughed, it's rough out there, and I would like to acknowledge the PLACE OF HUGE PRIVILEGE from which I speak right now. I am not trying to oh poor me when the world is falling apart. I created this only as a place to speak my truth and I am trying to do that.
My husband has a really weird job. He writes software for vintage computers, like machines from the 1970s. Why he does that, why they pay him to do that, that's a conversation for a whole other place, but that's what he does and since March 4 he's been doing it from home (March 4 was also the first day my kiddo had remote school, so that's why I date this from that time, our world effectively closed on that date although there was a lot we didn't know back then and we still did things that first week that I would not do now like go to choir practice. No, I don't sing in that choir. Also a topic for another time.)
So for right now he is being paid to write vintage computer software from home. Is he worried about his job? Isn't everyone? The situation for even those of us lucky enough to have stable incomes right now reminds me of 2009 when I took a job that was temporary for 2 years. I was scared to tell my dad I was taking that job because I was afraid he would be like, whoa, why are you giving up stable, long-term employment for a gig that will only last 2 years? When I finally told him, he was like, 2 years at good pay? Good for you. Everybody's job is temporary right now. (For the record: that was one of the best jobs I ever had for one year at which point there was a restructuring, they retained me but to do a job I didn't like and I found a new job which ended up being the job I've had the longest in my life at 4 years.)
He doesn't have a shortage of work to do (some people I know who are "working from home" work jobs that can't actually be DONE from home so they are taking a lot of trainings and doing a lot of make work jobs so their employers can justify paying them) but one of the things his organization is doing is upping their social media since no one can personally go anywhere anymore. So he asked if he could write a blog about a vintage computer he is currently restoring on his own time and on his own dime (he also does this for a hobby, he's nuts.) It was hard to get clearance to do that...he was very clear with them that he wouldn't do the project on company time, he would just use company time for the writing up and it would be of interest and fit the themes they were doing. So he ended up finally getting approval, and now he's getting paid to, among other things, write a blog.
So my husband is getting paid to blog and my kindergartener has Zoom meetings and my life as a stay at home mom has been reduced to...the thing everyone else is doing on the side of their "real" work from home. And I'm exhausted. And doing what I do without the benefits of play dates, mom friends, open parks, libraries, or all the other things I usually use as supports is KILLING ME. And more than one person has said to me that they are super tired because "of course I still have to work."
I've been a stay at home mom for six years. And let me be clear: I chose this. No one is forcing me to do this. If I wanted to be at my old job that I left in 2014 I still could be....I think....although I'm not sure they have a librarian anymore, so maybe not....even though their staff pictures seem to all have been taken in the library...welcome to librarian life, folks. It's fun to justify your existence. Anyway, point being, I worked as a professional in libraries for 10 years and was in the work force in different professional capacities before that and I've been a librarian substitute since 2016...I am no stranger to work, I could work, I have an advanced degree. This is not life circumstance. This is a choice. And as a stay at home mom it's certainly not the first time I've had someone say something like that to me. And I know it cuts both ways. I remember when a friend of mine said on social media that she had made a decision when she saw the cost of daycare to stay home and raise her child rather than pay someone else to, her working parent friends rightly bristled at her, completely unintentional but still hurtful, phrasing. Of course no day care provider is raising anyone's children. Parents raise children. Working parents, work at home parents, stay at home or full time parents...whoever they are, parents raise children, period. So we all have our sore spots and we all struggle to understand each other. This is nothing new.
Something about everyone else having things that they have had to reinvent but I'm seen as doing...more or less what I've been doing...stings a little more than usual right now, though. Maybe it's just that emotions are heightened right now anyway. I think about this from time to time...is the time right to go back to work, do I want to, what would I do...that's a normal part of my life. And the little work that I do do has been pulled out from under me. Regularly employed full time librarians are still working from home...they are making sure their customers can get ebooks and providing virtual reference services. But no one needs a substitute librarian to staff buildings that are currently closed. And it's okay. I'm lucky enough that my tiny income from doing that doesn't make or break my family, in fact our government stimulus money that arrived this week is more than I usually make in a year. So the job I did have is gone and it is assumed by everyone who doesn't do what I do that I'm just...business as usual. Which I'm not. I've laid out here our adventures in remote learning, I don't have to go into all that again....but my work also depends heavily on parks, libraries, regular socializing with others like us (it's one of the big criticisms of those of us who don't have our kids in daycare, that they aren't be socialized,) all that sort of thing. So I am also having to reinvent my work to fit this current world we live in.
And now my husband is being paid to blog. Now, I've wanted to be a writer for literally as long as I can remember. And I know the odds have always been incredibly long and I've never been good at putting the work or the practice in to doing the kind of output that could possibly beat them. But my husband is being paid to write? Really? As if I wasn't having enough of an identity crisis.
And so I have this blog. Which no one pays me a dime to do and very few people actually read...it is meant to be an outlet for me as well as a place to capture my version of what is going on in the world right now. And it's become something I am very grateful for. I started this adventure with great plans about what I would write while this was happening...I'm currently at work on Draft 2 of a novel in verse and was hoping to finish that draft...but not only is it hard to find time to write it is hard to care about that project in this world. Maybe someday I will be able to read what I wrote here and turn it into a novel, who knows?
I was thinking last night of my great grandmother who died in the Spanish flu that I've spoken of before. The last picture of her, the only picture of her that I have or have ever seen is taken from a larger photo. You can see, and the notes next to it state, that she was sitting with a group of people...they are named in the photo's caption. She's sitting there with her son on her lap in a group photo taken at...I don't know...a picnic? A party? I'm not sure. And I had never thought of it before, but now I think...were they supposed to have a party? Had they been warned about social gatherings? I've heard that during the worst of the epidemic (and she died in mid November 1918, this was the worst of the epidemic which peaked I think in October) people couldn't go out without masks. She's certainly not wearing one. Now maybe she wasn't out, it was somebody's backyard more than likely. But I wonder, did they know? Were they warned? Were they ignoring what they had been told to do or had no one told them? And if someone had told them, would she have listened if she knew what was going to happen? If she knew there was a chance of dying and leaving her children motherless? Or would she say to us right now, life is too short, live your lives, I'm glad I lived mine to the fullest while I had it.
I don't know the answer to any of it. There's no way to know. Well, I could probably do some research about what local officials were saying at the time. That could be done. But I don't know what she was thinking or what she would say to us living here in this place right now. No one can know. I wonder sometimes in writing this blog if there is a novel there somewhere...her in her time and me in mine. Maybe this blog will be notes for a book I'll write someday. At least it's an outlet. At least it gets me writing every day. And I am grateful for that. I didn't start this to become famous. I put it in the same category as my bookstagram account on Instagram. I didn't start it to become famous or become an influencer who is paid for my opinion. I started it because I like community and I wanted people to talk to about books and a place to creatively express what I was doing. And it has been that for me. So I will try to stay focused on what I am doing and try not to worry too much about titles and labels and who cares who has which job. I will try.
Today's media consumption: I started The Graveyard Book audiobook but only barely. I've really still been listening to History Chicks episodes...Madam CJ Walker and Lydia Pinkham primarily. I didn't get a lot of reading time today but I am still working on the L.M. Montgomery biography.
Today I'm grateful for this blog, bookstagram, a stable income, deep dish pizza, the ability to see the good things in the bad, my big backyard, books, watching James and Emma play, nap time, coffee runs, James being a reader, making up school activities, my husband, root beer, my dad, health, sunshine, and smiles.
I have to start all of this with a HUGE DISCLAIMER. I know there is A TON OF UNCERTAINTY for A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE right now. People aren't working, people have been furloughed, essential workers are afraid of getting sick...I have in my past been furloughed, it's rough out there, and I would like to acknowledge the PLACE OF HUGE PRIVILEGE from which I speak right now. I am not trying to oh poor me when the world is falling apart. I created this only as a place to speak my truth and I am trying to do that.
My husband has a really weird job. He writes software for vintage computers, like machines from the 1970s. Why he does that, why they pay him to do that, that's a conversation for a whole other place, but that's what he does and since March 4 he's been doing it from home (March 4 was also the first day my kiddo had remote school, so that's why I date this from that time, our world effectively closed on that date although there was a lot we didn't know back then and we still did things that first week that I would not do now like go to choir practice. No, I don't sing in that choir. Also a topic for another time.)
So for right now he is being paid to write vintage computer software from home. Is he worried about his job? Isn't everyone? The situation for even those of us lucky enough to have stable incomes right now reminds me of 2009 when I took a job that was temporary for 2 years. I was scared to tell my dad I was taking that job because I was afraid he would be like, whoa, why are you giving up stable, long-term employment for a gig that will only last 2 years? When I finally told him, he was like, 2 years at good pay? Good for you. Everybody's job is temporary right now. (For the record: that was one of the best jobs I ever had for one year at which point there was a restructuring, they retained me but to do a job I didn't like and I found a new job which ended up being the job I've had the longest in my life at 4 years.)
He doesn't have a shortage of work to do (some people I know who are "working from home" work jobs that can't actually be DONE from home so they are taking a lot of trainings and doing a lot of make work jobs so their employers can justify paying them) but one of the things his organization is doing is upping their social media since no one can personally go anywhere anymore. So he asked if he could write a blog about a vintage computer he is currently restoring on his own time and on his own dime (he also does this for a hobby, he's nuts.) It was hard to get clearance to do that...he was very clear with them that he wouldn't do the project on company time, he would just use company time for the writing up and it would be of interest and fit the themes they were doing. So he ended up finally getting approval, and now he's getting paid to, among other things, write a blog.
So my husband is getting paid to blog and my kindergartener has Zoom meetings and my life as a stay at home mom has been reduced to...the thing everyone else is doing on the side of their "real" work from home. And I'm exhausted. And doing what I do without the benefits of play dates, mom friends, open parks, libraries, or all the other things I usually use as supports is KILLING ME. And more than one person has said to me that they are super tired because "of course I still have to work."
I've been a stay at home mom for six years. And let me be clear: I chose this. No one is forcing me to do this. If I wanted to be at my old job that I left in 2014 I still could be....I think....although I'm not sure they have a librarian anymore, so maybe not....even though their staff pictures seem to all have been taken in the library...welcome to librarian life, folks. It's fun to justify your existence. Anyway, point being, I worked as a professional in libraries for 10 years and was in the work force in different professional capacities before that and I've been a librarian substitute since 2016...I am no stranger to work, I could work, I have an advanced degree. This is not life circumstance. This is a choice. And as a stay at home mom it's certainly not the first time I've had someone say something like that to me. And I know it cuts both ways. I remember when a friend of mine said on social media that she had made a decision when she saw the cost of daycare to stay home and raise her child rather than pay someone else to, her working parent friends rightly bristled at her, completely unintentional but still hurtful, phrasing. Of course no day care provider is raising anyone's children. Parents raise children. Working parents, work at home parents, stay at home or full time parents...whoever they are, parents raise children, period. So we all have our sore spots and we all struggle to understand each other. This is nothing new.
Something about everyone else having things that they have had to reinvent but I'm seen as doing...more or less what I've been doing...stings a little more than usual right now, though. Maybe it's just that emotions are heightened right now anyway. I think about this from time to time...is the time right to go back to work, do I want to, what would I do...that's a normal part of my life. And the little work that I do do has been pulled out from under me. Regularly employed full time librarians are still working from home...they are making sure their customers can get ebooks and providing virtual reference services. But no one needs a substitute librarian to staff buildings that are currently closed. And it's okay. I'm lucky enough that my tiny income from doing that doesn't make or break my family, in fact our government stimulus money that arrived this week is more than I usually make in a year. So the job I did have is gone and it is assumed by everyone who doesn't do what I do that I'm just...business as usual. Which I'm not. I've laid out here our adventures in remote learning, I don't have to go into all that again....but my work also depends heavily on parks, libraries, regular socializing with others like us (it's one of the big criticisms of those of us who don't have our kids in daycare, that they aren't be socialized,) all that sort of thing. So I am also having to reinvent my work to fit this current world we live in.
And now my husband is being paid to blog. Now, I've wanted to be a writer for literally as long as I can remember. And I know the odds have always been incredibly long and I've never been good at putting the work or the practice in to doing the kind of output that could possibly beat them. But my husband is being paid to write? Really? As if I wasn't having enough of an identity crisis.
And so I have this blog. Which no one pays me a dime to do and very few people actually read...it is meant to be an outlet for me as well as a place to capture my version of what is going on in the world right now. And it's become something I am very grateful for. I started this adventure with great plans about what I would write while this was happening...I'm currently at work on Draft 2 of a novel in verse and was hoping to finish that draft...but not only is it hard to find time to write it is hard to care about that project in this world. Maybe someday I will be able to read what I wrote here and turn it into a novel, who knows?
I was thinking last night of my great grandmother who died in the Spanish flu that I've spoken of before. The last picture of her, the only picture of her that I have or have ever seen is taken from a larger photo. You can see, and the notes next to it state, that she was sitting with a group of people...they are named in the photo's caption. She's sitting there with her son on her lap in a group photo taken at...I don't know...a picnic? A party? I'm not sure. And I had never thought of it before, but now I think...were they supposed to have a party? Had they been warned about social gatherings? I've heard that during the worst of the epidemic (and she died in mid November 1918, this was the worst of the epidemic which peaked I think in October) people couldn't go out without masks. She's certainly not wearing one. Now maybe she wasn't out, it was somebody's backyard more than likely. But I wonder, did they know? Were they warned? Were they ignoring what they had been told to do or had no one told them? And if someone had told them, would she have listened if she knew what was going to happen? If she knew there was a chance of dying and leaving her children motherless? Or would she say to us right now, life is too short, live your lives, I'm glad I lived mine to the fullest while I had it.
I don't know the answer to any of it. There's no way to know. Well, I could probably do some research about what local officials were saying at the time. That could be done. But I don't know what she was thinking or what she would say to us living here in this place right now. No one can know. I wonder sometimes in writing this blog if there is a novel there somewhere...her in her time and me in mine. Maybe this blog will be notes for a book I'll write someday. At least it's an outlet. At least it gets me writing every day. And I am grateful for that. I didn't start this to become famous. I put it in the same category as my bookstagram account on Instagram. I didn't start it to become famous or become an influencer who is paid for my opinion. I started it because I like community and I wanted people to talk to about books and a place to creatively express what I was doing. And it has been that for me. So I will try to stay focused on what I am doing and try not to worry too much about titles and labels and who cares who has which job. I will try.
Today's media consumption: I started The Graveyard Book audiobook but only barely. I've really still been listening to History Chicks episodes...Madam CJ Walker and Lydia Pinkham primarily. I didn't get a lot of reading time today but I am still working on the L.M. Montgomery biography.
Today I'm grateful for this blog, bookstagram, a stable income, deep dish pizza, the ability to see the good things in the bad, my big backyard, books, watching James and Emma play, nap time, coffee runs, James being a reader, making up school activities, my husband, root beer, my dad, health, sunshine, and smiles.
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