Day #68: Food Issues
Nothing brings on binge eating like two months stuck at home. And if your relationship with food is already somewhat tenuous, it's not a great fit.
Something happened yesterday that hasn't been far from my mind since it did and I felt the need to write about it tonight, after seeing yet another Mother's Day picture in which a friend laments her "three chins."
Somehow an extra copy of James's "My Mom" sheet that he wrote about me with his class in Zoom on Friday got printed and ended up on my desk. He found it there and asked if I would fill it out and answer the questions about my mom. Sure. Not a problem. How old my mom would be if she were here, things she liked to do, food of hers I liked to eat, all well and good. Then I got to the fill in the blank where it said "She likes to eat ____________." And I didn't know how to answer that.
I have no memory of my mom enjoying food or the eating experience. And that makes me really really sad.
I have her cookbook. I have some notes she made about which dinners were tasty or which the family liked or which cookies were extra rich. But I don't remember what *she* enjoyed. I remember things she made that *other people* loved and would request again and again.
I'm not just talking about junk food, here. If all we did my entire childhood was gorge on cookies and I remember her enjoying that, that would not be good. But I'm thinking about when James and I go pick peaches off our peach tree in August and just sit and enjoy eating summer in a bowl. When we eat frozen blueberries right from the freezer and they taste like candy. When we snap green beans and steam them up for dinner and love how fresh they are. The experience of enjoying food. I have no memory of that with my mom. Her cookbook is full of calories per serving and fat content. I don't know if she ever got to really enjoy her food.
She battled obesity and high blood pressure and fought a battle with food her whole life only to die of a heart attack at 48. Did any of her issues with food extend her life? Seems unlikely to me.
Now, I want to be real here. I'm a big fan of the healthy at any size movement....my own doctor said just a few weeks ago a number on a scale is not the defining factor and it's one of the things I like about here. But we need to be real. I know really too well that not enough moving your body and filling it with nutritious foods it needs shortens your life. My family and I have been trying especially in recent days since the quarantine thing has the food situation kind of out of control to remember those great fruits and veggies and avoid those drive ins and things that aren't good choices...because they don't make us *feel* good, if for no other reason. I know that healthy at any size does not mean let's have an eating free for all.
But what do I want my children to remember about life with me?
I want them to remember eating drippy peaches fresh from the peach tree because they taste like summer. I want them to remember that they helped make the tastiest chocolate chip cookies from the old Toll House recipe (I don't know why they changed it but they did, I use the original.) I want them to remember that mom made lemon cake for birthdays when asked and tried to make her own bagels and scones. I want them to remember fresh green beans in season and all the berries we could stomach and putting pumpkin in everything in the fall...soups and chili and casserole and yes, pies, too, because pumpkin is sunshine preserved longer. I want us to eat a lot of salad and also plenty of ice cream at Grandpa's I want our relationship with food to not be a struggle.
Why can my dad live into his 80s on bacon and chocolate and my mom who insured we all got the veggies we needed left us at 48? I don't know. Life isn't fair. Do I want to try my best to do the exercising and nourishing my body I need to do in order to try to avoid that particular terrible gene? You bet I do. Is her death her fault? It is not. Her life was a beautiful glorious gift and her lifelong struggle with weight and food didn't enhance it.
So I'm working on better eating and the seasons are in my favor because the fruit stand is busting with yummy things to eat. But I will not like before and after social media posts of people's weight loss journeys. Please tell me about healthy things you are doing...I want to hear that you're enjoying running or weight lifting and that you absolutely love roasted veggies and have fantastic new recipes. But don't make my body your before picture, please. I want to eat yummy food and one day I want my child to remember that mom taught him that food is healthy and delicious and part of culture and celebration and life. Also, dark chocolate is a superfood, so I feel like I'm living on that.
Today's media consumption: finished Little Fires Everywhere so now I get to binge watch that show, hooray. More Dick van Dyke...man that man was a genius and finding classic character actors on cameos on old TV shows is very fun. I finished Anne of the Island and am taking an Anne break to listen to Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan on audio to see if it's as good as I remember it. Did I mention that throughout all this I've been trying to read Genesis on my Bible reading plan? Argh. Genesis is weird as fuck. I stand by that. But I finished it yesterday and started Exodus today.
Today I'm grateful for dark chocolate, books, another day of sunshine, the hammock, another walk with Max, the fruit stand, finding a new way to wear my mask, chatting with dad, another day of health for my family, and for my darling husband who I am off to hang out with. To another day in paradise.
Something happened yesterday that hasn't been far from my mind since it did and I felt the need to write about it tonight, after seeing yet another Mother's Day picture in which a friend laments her "three chins."
Somehow an extra copy of James's "My Mom" sheet that he wrote about me with his class in Zoom on Friday got printed and ended up on my desk. He found it there and asked if I would fill it out and answer the questions about my mom. Sure. Not a problem. How old my mom would be if she were here, things she liked to do, food of hers I liked to eat, all well and good. Then I got to the fill in the blank where it said "She likes to eat ____________." And I didn't know how to answer that.
I have no memory of my mom enjoying food or the eating experience. And that makes me really really sad.
I have her cookbook. I have some notes she made about which dinners were tasty or which the family liked or which cookies were extra rich. But I don't remember what *she* enjoyed. I remember things she made that *other people* loved and would request again and again.
I'm not just talking about junk food, here. If all we did my entire childhood was gorge on cookies and I remember her enjoying that, that would not be good. But I'm thinking about when James and I go pick peaches off our peach tree in August and just sit and enjoy eating summer in a bowl. When we eat frozen blueberries right from the freezer and they taste like candy. When we snap green beans and steam them up for dinner and love how fresh they are. The experience of enjoying food. I have no memory of that with my mom. Her cookbook is full of calories per serving and fat content. I don't know if she ever got to really enjoy her food.
She battled obesity and high blood pressure and fought a battle with food her whole life only to die of a heart attack at 48. Did any of her issues with food extend her life? Seems unlikely to me.
Now, I want to be real here. I'm a big fan of the healthy at any size movement....my own doctor said just a few weeks ago a number on a scale is not the defining factor and it's one of the things I like about here. But we need to be real. I know really too well that not enough moving your body and filling it with nutritious foods it needs shortens your life. My family and I have been trying especially in recent days since the quarantine thing has the food situation kind of out of control to remember those great fruits and veggies and avoid those drive ins and things that aren't good choices...because they don't make us *feel* good, if for no other reason. I know that healthy at any size does not mean let's have an eating free for all.
But what do I want my children to remember about life with me?
I want them to remember eating drippy peaches fresh from the peach tree because they taste like summer. I want them to remember that they helped make the tastiest chocolate chip cookies from the old Toll House recipe (I don't know why they changed it but they did, I use the original.) I want them to remember that mom made lemon cake for birthdays when asked and tried to make her own bagels and scones. I want them to remember fresh green beans in season and all the berries we could stomach and putting pumpkin in everything in the fall...soups and chili and casserole and yes, pies, too, because pumpkin is sunshine preserved longer. I want us to eat a lot of salad and also plenty of ice cream at Grandpa's I want our relationship with food to not be a struggle.
Why can my dad live into his 80s on bacon and chocolate and my mom who insured we all got the veggies we needed left us at 48? I don't know. Life isn't fair. Do I want to try my best to do the exercising and nourishing my body I need to do in order to try to avoid that particular terrible gene? You bet I do. Is her death her fault? It is not. Her life was a beautiful glorious gift and her lifelong struggle with weight and food didn't enhance it.
So I'm working on better eating and the seasons are in my favor because the fruit stand is busting with yummy things to eat. But I will not like before and after social media posts of people's weight loss journeys. Please tell me about healthy things you are doing...I want to hear that you're enjoying running or weight lifting and that you absolutely love roasted veggies and have fantastic new recipes. But don't make my body your before picture, please. I want to eat yummy food and one day I want my child to remember that mom taught him that food is healthy and delicious and part of culture and celebration and life. Also, dark chocolate is a superfood, so I feel like I'm living on that.
Today's media consumption: finished Little Fires Everywhere so now I get to binge watch that show, hooray. More Dick van Dyke...man that man was a genius and finding classic character actors on cameos on old TV shows is very fun. I finished Anne of the Island and am taking an Anne break to listen to Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan on audio to see if it's as good as I remember it. Did I mention that throughout all this I've been trying to read Genesis on my Bible reading plan? Argh. Genesis is weird as fuck. I stand by that. But I finished it yesterday and started Exodus today.
Today I'm grateful for dark chocolate, books, another day of sunshine, the hammock, another walk with Max, the fruit stand, finding a new way to wear my mask, chatting with dad, another day of health for my family, and for my darling husband who I am off to hang out with. To another day in paradise.
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